From Architects Rule!:

A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.'
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.'
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.'
(Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufactur ing/ 3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.'
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

HT: BHT

I couldn't decide what to title this post, so I put both of my title ideas up there...

but my point is that prayer does work, and not always quite like we think.

I thought this was a cool testimony.

I think it should be it's own holiday, even though it falls on a different day for everybody. But for us...it's today!

We're getting down the Christmas lights, stockings, advent calendar, decorations and all that fun stuff. I'll be putting on the Christmas music here in a minute.... It's fun for the whole family.

And so in honor of Christmas Decoration Day.... Watch This! (Put a kid on your lap first.)

Thank goodness we have Hugh Laurie to show us the way.



This is from 2001 or so, but his wisdom is just as needed today, in these troubled times.

[H/T Lars]

On the following faddish verbiage:

Woot!

and

FAIL

Please stop. These things have jumped the shark quicker than the macarena.

Something fun for Friday.

Emails from Nigerian princes
"The Bachelor"
Flossing
TBN
Wal-Mart
Vin Diesel movies
Recycling
Raisins in Chex mix
Nearly everything the guy at the oil change place says your car needs
95% of the stuff on Facebook
Raking leaves
"Play Guard" at the video rental place
Bottled water
If you're a dude, paying more than $15 for a haircut

This is some of the most accurate (and hilarious) social commentary I've ever heard.



[H/T Jared]

Heh. It's funny because it's true (or, I guess, it would be funny if this was true. Because the matrix isn't real . . . is it?)



[Hat Tip: That Den of Ill Repute]

Ok, Ok, I promise I'm not going to spend the next four to eight years doing Obama posts, but this is just too Onionish to pass up.

A journalist (in 2008, mind you) offers our President-Elect advice on how he can "win over the media".

Speaking for the media, who have been frustrated by outgoing President George W. Bush's infrequent public pronouncements over his eight years, Stengel urged Obama to be a constant presence in our lives.

"The more press conferences, the better," Stengel said, suggesting one a week. "The new president should also post his daily schedule online." Stengel said he looked forward to the day when there was so much transparency that Americans even knew with whom the president had lunch each day.

Emphasis mine

Here I thought silly season was over. Besides the massively insane assumption that Obama still needs to "win over the media", and the 1984-ish "constant presence in our lives" statement, wouldn't publishing the President's daily schedule represent a huge security issue for the Secret Service?

All kidding aside, possibly the major failure of the Bush Presidency was his inability to communicate with the country. But still . . .

Eldest daughter gets with the spirit of the age:

Me and Bree spent the majority of lunch thinking of ways to convert every state name in light of the outcome of the election (because, of course, with Obamessiah in office this is inevitable ; ).

Some of the examples include: Texobamas, New Barack, Calibama, Colobama, Flobama, Mississobamissippi, Nebaracksa, etc.

West wondered about Sen. Barack Obama's comment, to Joe the Plumber, about spreading the wealth. She quoted Karl Marx and asked how Obama isn't being a Marxist with the "spreading the wealth" comment. "Are you joking?" said Biden, who is Obama's running mate. "No," West said.
West later asked Biden about his comments that Obama could be tested early on as president. She wondered if the Delaware senator was saying America's days as the world's leading power were over. "I don't know who's writing your questions," Biden shot back.

Biden so disliked West's line of questioning that the Obama campaign canceled a WFTV interview with Jill Biden, the candidate's wife. "This cancellation is non-negotiable, and further opportunities for your station to interview with this campaign are unlikely, at best for the duration of the remaining days until the election," wrote Laura K. McGinnis, Central Florida communications director for the Obama campaign. McGinnis said the Biden cancellation was "a result of her husband's experience yesterday during the satellite interview with Barbara West."

WFTV news director Bob Jordan said, "When you get a shot to ask these candidates, you want to make the most of it. They usually give you five minutes." Jordan said political campaigns in general pick and choose the stations they like. And stations often pose softball questions during the satellite interviews. "Mr. Biden didn't like the questions," Jordan said. "We choose not to ask softball questions." Jordan added, "I'm crying foul on this one."

Source

West herself said of the interview,

"I have a great deal of respect for him. I have a great deal of respect for Sen. Obama. We are given four minutes of a satellite window for these interviews. Four precious minutes. I got right down to it and, yes, I think I asked him some pointed questions. These are questions that are rolling about right now and questions that need to be asked. I don't think I was rude or inconsiderate to him. I think I was probing and maybe tough. I can't believe that in all of his years in politics, and all of his campaigning and such, that he hasn't run into some tough questions before. He's certainly up to it in giving good answers."

My 2 cents: I was thrilled that someone had the guts to ask the questions that ordinary americans (who Biden thinks are only a few on the "far right") are actually thinking. I also thought he handled himself pretty well, considering.

What do you think? Is their anger justified? Did this interviewer go too far?

My latest SearchWarp piece is up:

7 Ways to Complete Your Tasks More Efficiently

You're welcome.

This is a list of things to say in response to the inevitable, "What are you supposed to be?" Or "Where is your costume?" when both you and the asker know that you didn't feel like dressing up.

I think this may possibly be the most creatively humorous I've ever been. So please pretend it's funny.

Picture it. There you are. Costumed people all around, and one of them walks up to you and says, "What are you supposed to be?" And you are dressed completely normally. Use one of the following responses:

I'm _____________ (insert name of celebrity that really does look you. I would say, "Noah Wylie." or "Christian Bale" OR "Freddy Haskell, Eddie Haskell's son on the 'New Leave it to Beaver'")

I'm supposed to be ______________ (insert name of celebrity that looks nothing like you. I would use Gary Coleman or Arnold Schwarzenegger) Then say with sincere frustration, "The costume shop really messed this one up."

I'm Ethan Hunt from Mission: Impossible wearing a _______________ (insert your own name in the blank) mask.

Have you seen Blade Runner? I'm a replicant.

I'm a Robot Space ship populated by miniature aliens like in the movie "Meet Dave."

Have you SEEN "Invasion of the Body Snatchers?"

Have you seen the new Battlestar Galactica? I'm a cylon.

I'm a magic mirror that causes other people to see what they would look like if they were dressed up as me.

I'm pretending I'm on the Star Trek Enterprise Holodeck (or you could just say "I'm pretending this is the future) and I'm an early 21st century Earth man.

I'm pretending you are all creatures in the Mos Eisley cantina and I'm a human from Earth.

I'm what I would look like 5,000 years from now if I were cryogenically frozen. (It helps if you are good at remaining very, very still.)

I'm a nudist wearing body-paint that looks like clothing. Realistic, isn't it? (Turn around 360 degrees to show off. This one's probably not appropriate for church harvest festivals.)

I'm dressed up as a nudist who was forced to WEAR clothes for a costume party.

I'm Scrooge at a Halloween party. Bah Humbug.

A Democrat. They look like everyone else...and that's the scariest thing of all.

I think it would be really fun to give a different response to each person who asks you. Before you know it people will come up and ask you, just to hear what you say... Or they'll think you are a big jerk and a party pooper. But hey, either way it' fun for you.

What other ideas do you have to help the completely lazy person or the people who don't like to dress up?

Why waste your creativity on an actual costume when you could use your creativity here?

Please put other suggestions under comments. Or if you have a blog, please feel free to post your own list at your blog. (Just give me credit for the idea. I'm pretty proud of this one. :)

Heh



[H/T Jonah Goldberg]

The SNL skit featuring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sarah and Hillary

But only because I went to a church for almost ten years that pretty much had this pastor.

More Excerpts from The 417 Rules of Awesomely Bold Leadership: Use Words and Spell Things with Them

Rule #62 -- Empower Through "D-N-A"

...and when I showed him my Harley, I think he re-considered what faith is all about.

The point is, Leaders may lead through vision, but Leading Leaders lead through empowering people to share the Leader's vision. We do this through what I call "DNA", which stands for "Delegation-n-Acronyms". You can't have one without the other.

First: Delegate. Then: Unleash an unending blizzard of acronyms.

What makes a great acronym? I use this simple way to remember:

A -- Awesome

C -- Can-Do

R -- Relentless

O -- Othoritative

N -- Not un-awesome

Y -- (Fill this in later)

M -- Manly

S -- Synergistismic

Friends, as I once told a small group including Czech President Vaclav Havel and Vince McMahon of the WWE: Leadership is about one thing: Vision. But Awesomely Bold Leadership is Leadership Plus Vision. And what is more powerful, friends, than Leadership Plus Vision Raised to the Power of Spelling Things Out with Other Words? Probably nothing, my friends, and that's why I...

-----------------------

Rule #398 -- Leave a Legacy of Awesomeness in Leadership

...so General Powell looked at me, his eyes welling, and said, yes, sure, there are leaders. But who is leading them?

Then he realized that okay, there are lot of people doing that. But who is leading those people, the ones who are doing that?

Well, yeah, some people are doing that. But -- and here was his real question -- who is leading THEM?

Well, I am.

But here's another question, friends: Who is going to reach the next generation of leaders, and empower them to be led by someone awesome? We have a crisis here. Who will lead leading leaders when I die?

Answer: My books and CD's, that's who.

And my tapes, and some of these younger guys I allow to speak at my conferences. These men are revolutionizing leadership by doing everything exactly the same way, but they're doing everything the exact same way with their shirts half untucked, sometimes tattoos, and they say things like "off the chain" a lot.

New generations require new approaches. And here's my new approach: Good ol' fashioned Awesomely Bold Leadership. Awesome is as awesome does, and if that means changing a name of a church from "First Baptist Church" to "The Bizzle Chizzle", I'm all for it, so long as we have a gifted man on stage, and...

Hilarious and incisive.

This stuff is barely parody these days.
The pastor I sat under rode a Harley (and wanted everyone to know about it, to the point that he even rode up onto the stage at the same kids' building fundraising event where he suggested people sell their cars or refinance their homes to give proceeds to the building fund) AND was (and is) irrationally acronym obsessed.

As I rub my face on Grace's cheek:

Me: I'm giving you my beard.

Grace (5): No!

Me: You don't want a beard?

Grace: No. Because then I'd look like a man. And I'd be crazy and dumb.

This is pretty funny.



And Bill O'Reilly is an idiot.

(HT: Phil Wilson)

Some favorites from Sarah Palin Facts:

• Sarah Palin is the reason compasses point North
• Sarah Palin is what Willis was talkin bout
• Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience
• N. Alaska is sunny half the year and dark half the year because Sarah Palin needed the reading light, then wanted a nap
• Sarah Palin knows who was on the grassy knoll
• When Sarah Palin booked a flight to Europe, the French immediately surrendered.
• Sarah Palin can divide by zero

And, my favorite:

• Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity’s war against the machines.

[H/T The Corner]