In an attempt to better accommodate the personality of the modern air traveler, here are some recommended rules for traveling apt to provide a harmonious assimilation.

1. When going through terminal security, a TSA agent will likely be shouting simple instructions about what to remove from your person. Do not obey him. He is speaking to the crowd, not to you. He will give these instructions directly to you when you try to pass through the metal detector. Don't forget to act surprised, because "you didn't know."

2. When boarding your flight, do not immediately find an empty seat and sit down. That would just be silly.

3. You are allowed one carry-on bag and one personal item aboard the plane, so feel free to bring your steam trunk and/or hope chest onto your flight. Yes, if shoved hard enough, your footlocker from your time in the armed forces should fit neatly in the overhead bin. Try turning it lengthways.

4. While the flight attendant is going over the customary contingency plans and locations of the emergency exits, everyone should completely carry on conversations that drown her out. This makes her feel good inside.

5. No electronic devices may be used until the plane has reached its cruising altitude. This rule does not apply to you.

6. No cell phones may be used on the plane during any portion of the flight. But you may use yours because you are a very important person with very important calls to make to other, less important persons you need to give instructions to that you'd like others to overhear.

7. When the beverage service commences, order a bloody mary. You can't get these anywhere else, or at least we assume, since we only see people drinking these on airplanes.

8. If you are a morbidly obese person, check in for your flight late so you can get one of those prized middle seats. The laps of your companions on either side will make excellent arm rests. And wear a sleeveless shirt.

9. If your neighbor is wearing headphones and has his eyes closed, he is signaling to you that he'd like to have an in-depth conversation about your adorable/successful grandchildren and/or your idiot/overrated coworkers.

10. If you need a reading light, press the button overhead with the image of a person holding a drink tray. Nobody knows what that button with the image of a light bulb on it does.

11. As soon as your plane lands, turn on your cell phone and make a call. People have been waiting -- dying even -- to hear from you. Two hours is too long to go without contact from you.

12. Unfasten your seatbelt upon landing, before the seatbelt sign is turned off. This makes your flight crew feel heard and respected.

13. As soon as your plane reaches the gate and the seatbelt sign is turned off, immediately stand up in the aisle. Then complain about how long it takes for the jetway to connect to the plane door. Then roll eyes and sigh when people do not teleport out of your way. This is completely normal behavior.

14. If you experience any delays or inconveniences during your trip, due to any thing, including but not limited to bad weather, treat every airline employee you meet with utter contempt and exasperation. They are all out to ruin your life.

15. When making your way through the airport terminal, make sure to really saunter around. Meander like the dickens. At no time and for no reason should you walk in a straight line at a brisk pace or in any other way give evidence that you're actually going somewhere.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this turns out to be one of those "it's funny because it's true" things.

Another reason to retreat from meta-life and spend more time living real life.

Favorite quote: "400 billion tweets and not one useful bit of data was ever transmitted."

[H/T: Forward Progress]

I was introduced to this by youngest daughter. At first I didn't know what to make of it, but I think it's darn funny (and innovative).



Fact!

(also, though we share a surname, there is no relation that I know of to the BoredShorts people).

"Yo, yo, Santa, hold up, I'ma let you finish, but everyone knows I have the best handouts of all time."

How Steve Jobs Got Away With Driving With No License Plates

The multitude of mysteries revealed following the death of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs' death now includes one that puzzled car enthusiasts for years: How did Jobs get away with driving without a license plate? It was common knowledge that Jobs would park his Mercedes SL55 AMG in a handicapped spot at Apple's Cupertino, Calif., headquarters, with nothing to identify his vehicle other than the tiny barcode that usually rests behind the rear license plate. According to Walter Isaacson's new biography, Jobs wanted to avoid having a plate for privacy reasons; and yet when having a license-less silver Mercedes became a kind of trademark, Jobs kept motoring without one "because I don't."

For years, rumors swirled that Jobs had either won a special dispensation from California authorities or was just daring police to stop him. While the why remains somewhat cloudy, an interview by ITWire with a former Apple security executive reveals the real reason: a little-known loophole in California vehicle laws that gives owners up to six months to get plates for their vehicles.

According to Jon Callas, now chief technical officer of Entrust, Jobs would arrange with his vehicle leasing company to switch out his silver Mercedes every six months with a new, identical model — just another of the complicated and expensive ways Jobs thought differently.

HT: Abraham Piper

From the "Series of Unfortunate Events" Series, book #11 - "The Grim Grotto"

When you are invited to dine, particularly with people you do not know very well, it always helps to have a conversational opener, a phrase which here means "an interesting sentence to say out loud in order to get people talking."

Although lately it has become more and more difficult to attend dinner parties without the evening ending in gunfire or tapioca, I keep a list of good and bad conversational openers in my commonplace book in order to avoid awkward pauses at the dinner table.

"Who would like to see an assortment of photographs taken while I was on vacation?" for instance, is a very poor conversational opener, because it is likely to make your fellow diners shudder instead of talk, whereas good conversational openers are sentences such as "What would drive a man to commit arson?," " Why do so many stories of true love end in tragedy and despair?," and "Madame diLustro, I believe I've discovered your true identity!," all of which are likely to provoke discussions, arguments, and accusations, thus making the dinner party much more entertaining.

So there you go. What conversational openers would you put in your commonplace book that are sure to make for an interesting evening (if a bit controversial)? Please make suggestions under comments.

Here's a few of mine:

"I don't know about you, but I'm thinking about a nose job."

"Did anybody here have trouble finding matching socks today?"

"Can you tell me if my nose hair trimmer was working before I left the house in a hurry to come here?"

"You look just like someone who beat me up once."

"The last time I saw a necklace like that was the night before someone stole it from my grandmother."

"Why are soda cans measured in ounces while large bottles are measured in liters?"

"What celebrity do you most look like?"

"I think it would make for a great evening if we all ate our spaghetti with our elbows. Who's with me?"

"If I ran for president would you vote for me?"

You get the idea...Now let me hear yours...

It might make you feel better. Don't believe me? How about NFL Defensive Lineman Rosey Grier.



FYI - Grier played with the Giants from 1955 to 1962, during which he led the team to a NFL Championship in 1956 and the Eastern Conference Championship in 1958, 1959, 1961 and 1962. Grier was selected for the Pro Bowl in 1956 and 1960, and was named All-Pro at the defensive tackle position in 1956 and 1958–1962. Grier was traded in 1963 to the Los Angeles Rams. He was part of the "Fearsome Foursome", along with Deacon Jones, Merlin Olsen, and Lamar Lundy,often considered one of the best defensive lines in football history.
(Oh, and he also tackled Robert F. Kennedy's assassin. Now if that don't qualify you for the man card, I don't know what does.)


Still don't believe me AND Rosey Grier? Read the post below. If that won't convince you, nothing will. :gcryingsmiley:

I've been blogging eight years, beginning with the launch of the Thinklings. In that time, I have come to identify certain blog community types. Gone is the heyday of scintillating conversation and good ol' fashioned scrums in blog comment threads, but these folks are still around in some forms and fashions. Here are the people you meet when you're walking down the street of the Christian blogosphere:

The Ironic Policeman
This is the guy who tells you you should have been out street evangelizing or working the food shelf instead of pontificating in your blog post. It is somehow lost on him that he could be doing those things instead of commenting on it.

The Yes-Man
This dude loves everything you write. He loves you. He's probably watching you through the window right now.

The Debbie Downer
This guy or gal sees the world through poop-covered glasses. Sure, Jesus is risen, but everything's going to hell in a handbasket anyway. And have you seen the price of handbaskets lately? How can a decent man cut it in this terrible economy? One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy, of course, but this person is overfertilizing to grow it. There's no blog post you can write for which they cannot devise a "yes, but" and thereafter vomit their angst upon you.

The Loyal Opposition
The opposite of the yes-man, and closely related to a Debbie Downer also, this person lives to critique, challenge, yes-but, and contradict. You're wrong about everything, and he's going to let you know. He starts comments with the world "actually" a lot.

The Drive-By Bible Shooter
He's got a lot of verses. Now you do too in your comment thread.

The Tail-Eating Snake
This is the guy who strongly criticizes you for strongly criticizing someone. Because strongly criticizing is wrong. Unless you're strongly criticizing strong criticism. Wait. What?

The Hipster Hypocrite
This person is very offended by John Piper, Pat Robertson, Mark Driscoll, and anybody that could be construed as fundamentalist or conservative, but loves all the disrespectful, crude Christian satire blogs. It is not Christlike to criticize Rob Bell or Don Miller, but it's awesome to make fun of unhip Christians like Jerry Falwell and Southern Gospel singers.

Heart-on-the-Shirtsleeves Guy
There is nothing you can say to this person that will not offend or hurt them. Alternately sad and angry, they are at the center of their own universe, and you mustn't poke them. They don't like that. They will hate you forever.

The Anonymous Character Assassin
This guy writes under an assumed name so he can smear you and all kinds of other people. Also known as the Cowardly Lyin'.

The Human Spammer
This dude or dudette finds a way in every comment to point back to something he's posted. "This reminds me," he'll get around to saying. "I wrote something just like this..." He doesn't understand that a good track record of insightful comments will get people to click over to his blog of their own interest and that consistently linking to his own stuff is a great way to kill that interest. He's not so much interested in contributing to a conversation as he is in treating the conversation like a progressive dinner, with his house being the next stop. Except nobody wants to go there.

The Bleeding Heart
This person cannot stand to see any kind of disagreement or debate. "Can't we all just get along," they think. They would love to say that conflict isn't Christlike but there's all those mean things Jesus said to people in the Bible.

The Zealous Fanboy
Not to be confused with the yes-man, this is a commenter who is obsessed with someone else and wants to always quote, recommend, and refer to that person. The Johns MacArthur or Piper are typical objects of obsession. He won't tell you what he thinks, but he will tell you what John MacArthur thinks. And so that's what he thinks too. It will blow this guy's mind when you disagree with something his idol says.

Who am I missing?

Cool Footwear....you may have to explain why it's funny to some people...but in this case I think that explaining the joke will only add to the enjoyment.



Hint...click the link or right mouse click and view image info if you haven't gotten the joke yet...

Oh and as a bonus, when you wiggle your toes, his tongue wags.

HT: 22 Words

The trailer for that new hit comedy, The Shining. Fun for the whole family this Christmas!

I simply did not expect the level of response -- neither the amount, nor the, um, passion -- to my post on the Narnia stories and allegory. When I learned, from reading Lewis himself that allegory was A and the Narnia stories were not-A, I believe my first reaction was "Wow, I was mistaken about what allegorical means. I'm glad I know that now." Or something approximately nerdy like that. My appreciation for the Narnia stories didn't diminish. In fact, I was happy to know something new about them. But apparently explaining that allegory according to classic understanding is one thing and the Narnia stories are another is a really huge stinkin' deal. Here is a rundown of the types of negative responses to my post so far:

1) Nuh-uh.

2) I don't care what Lewis says.

3) This is all a big waste of your time posting and discussing. But not mine in commenting to tell you that.

4) You ruined my life.

Let's keep things in perspective, folks. And while I've got you reeling, I've got another world-shaker for you: Aliens is more a horror movie than science fiction. Let the flaming begin!

It's funny because it's true.



(HT: My agent)

Previously: Tips for Aspiring Writers (Written 2 years ago, before I had a book deal, but I stand by it. Those are the steps I worked through myself.)

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

-- Philippians 4:5-7

This is an excellent recipe for what it itself describes: a Spiritual settling of the heart, thankfulness, closeness to God. But let's suppose you didn't want those things, you didn't want to be thankful in all circumstances (as God commands through Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5). How would you design your system in order to crush any impulse of thanksgiving in your heart?

1. Freak out about everything.
Let your unreasonableness be known to everyone. Be unreasonable about everything. Turn everything into drama, everything into a crisis.

2. Practice practical atheism.
The Lord is at hand, which is certainly something to be thankful for. Our God isn't just transcendent, but immanent. He wants to be known. You could therefore intellectually acknowledge God is there, but act like he's not. Assume he has no interest in you or your life. If you pretend like God’s not there, you don’t have to thank him for anything.

3. Coddle worry.
Be anxious about everything. Really protect your worry from the good news.

4. Give God the silent treatment.
The best way not to give thanks is not to talk at all. That way you’ll never give thanks accidentally.

5. Don’t expect anything from God.
Don’t trust him for anything. Normally we do this so we don’t have to feel disappointed, but another reason to do it is so he won’t give you anything to be thankful for. If you pray for something, he just might say yes, and then you’d be obligated to thank him.

6. Relentlessly try to figure everything out.
The peace of God is beyond our understanding. He is bigger than our capacity to grasp him. The closer we get to God, the bigger he gets. An immense vision, creates immense reaction. So if you want to crush that reaction before it has a chance to start, ask as many "why" questions as you can, and don’t settle for the answers Job or Habakkuk or David did. Best to think you’re better than them and deserve an explanation from God. If you really want to kill thanksgiving, act like God owes you. Leave no room for the possibility you might not know or understand something. And one of the best ways to crush thankfulness is to take credit for everything you can.

7. Focus on anything other than the gospel of Jesus.
God owes us nothing but has given us every good thing in Christ. If you’re not interested in thanksgiving, by all means, pay no attention to that. Concentrate on your problems. Don’t concentrate on Jesus, or you might accidentally end up thankful in all circumstances.

I don't think there's a better storytelling comedian than Bill Cosby. Here he is at the height of his genius, talking about trying to sit in on the drums at a jazz club occupied by his heroes.



I also love the picture of him trying his hardest and failing, and the expert sliding in to his place to "rescue him." Very gospel-y.

(HT: Zach Nielsen)

Brian Regan is simply the best comedian out there today. Clean, insightful, and funny as hades.



(I am also pretty sure he's a NASA Apollo missions geek like me. Excellent)