This coming Wednesday, my better half and I will have been married for twenty years.

I'm so blessed. I'm blessed to have been married to my best friend for two decades, and to enjoy a love that continues to grow and deepen as time passes. I've learned as I've observed over the past twenty years that not everyone gets to enjoy this in their marriage. I'm so thankful to the Lord who brought us together; two people, different in so many ways (if you know us you'll understand that) but so well matched!

On Saturday we held an intimate vow renewal/celebration ceremony with some close friends and family. It couldn't have been any more perfect; the venue was in the beautiful home of our friends Shawn and Kevin, our pastor led the ceremony, and our friends Meredith, Shawn and Kristi provided the music, and what a beautiful job they did. Our boys escorted Jill down the aisle to the song, "Love will be our home", which was the recessional song at our wedding. I stood up front, holding hands with our daughters, to receive Jill. She was crying as she walked the aisle, just like she was at our wedding (and she swears they are tears of joy, really :-).

During the stating of the vows, the only person I could see was Jill. I know, I know, this post is getting dangerously close to shmaltz-overload, but that's how it was. I was lost in her eyes.

The vows, which this time included vows regarding parenthood, had a different "feel" than they did at our wedding. Deeper. More momentous. I think it's because we've been striving to live our wedding vows these two decades. It's one thing to sing "Household of Faith" at your wedding. It's quite another to actually work to build a household of faith over the years. We've been through two decades trying to do that, living in both great joy and, at times, deep pain. We became parents, which is the greatest experience we've ever had. A great blessing from the Lord, punctuated by moments of extreme terror!

I wouldn't trade any of it. We've learned how much we need the Lord. You've never prayed like you'll pray when your children are going through something hard. And you can never pray enough. But to be able to fight the battles of life with a partner and best friend who stands right alongside you, united in purpose with you, is golden. Gold with diamonds. Priceless.

Jill and I both are fallen humans, saved by grace. We're far from perfect. We strive but fall far short of what God means us to be. But we're so blessed by Him. You will hear people talk about what hard work marriage is. And it is, at times, but I can honestly say that being married to Jill hasn't been hard at all. Lord God, thank You, it's been awesome.

We're currently on a three day getaway, just enjoying time together.

Thanks for twenty great years, sweetie. Lord willing, there are many more ahead of us.

"He told me that he wanted a wife who turned heads, and I don't turn heads anymore."

"He thinks I'm fat."

"He's depressed, because he knows I'll never look like the younger girls he works out with."

These are all quotes I or my wife have heard recently from Christian women, talking about their Christian husbands (or ex-husbands, if they've been abandoned).

It's just more evidence of the infantilism and narcissism that exists in our culture. It's a weeping shame that guys in the church share in it.

I have a lot to say about this, but I'd rather just get straight to the point, since an attempt to write many words would probably just explode into a white-hot rant, and no one needs to read that.

Men, this thinking that our wives are here to be trophies for us in our middle age is a lie that stinks to high heaven. The idea that our spouse has to continue to look the way she did when she was twenty one or she's "letting us down" or "not keeping up her end of the marriage" is a lie from the pit of hell.

It's backwards.

Sure, married people should, out of love for each other, do what they can to look nice for their spouse. Losing weight, staying healthy, dolling yourself up, it's all good.

But, in the final analysis, there's really only one kind of beauty that matters. And, frankly, from a Biblical perspective, it isn't the kind of beauty that our wives should have to struggle and strive to maintain for us. It's the kind of beauty that we build into them if we're doing what Christ has called us to do.

Did you catch that?

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

- Ephesians 5:25-28 [emphasis mine]

I just saw this classified ad:

WANTS TO BUY
An AK-47 for wife, in 7.62x39. Must be in excellent working order with no modifications to trigger and in descent appearance. No SKS models. Surprise for wife, please do not discuss it with her.

That's Texas.

Unfortunately, it was a Proverbs 21:9 wife:

When most people want out of a marriage, they separate or file for divorce. But a San Antonio man took a unique approach.

According to police, Danny Joe Herrera confessed to robbing a Northwest Side sporting goods store with a fake gun Thursday evening because he was tired of his wife and wanted to go back to jail.

Happy anniversary, baby.
I love you madly.

All the talk about finding the right mate below got me wondering.

I met my wife on a blind date. We connected right away and, with all our ups and downs, haven't been apart since then. But we're not very much alike. I wanted someone who had totally different strengths and weaknesses than I did, so we could pick each other up, nudge each other, and help each other stretch and grow.

Which makes me chuckle when I see things like eharmony.com, and they show a couples where the key to their relationship is that she's a girl who loves football, just like he does. They fit together so well because they've found someone just like them. Some commonality in marriage is important, of course, but I wonder if these sites encourage the misperception that successful relationships are necessarily built upon such identity of interests and dispositions.

I'm no psychologist, and I don't want to presume to criticize their methods without experiencing what they do or seeing the inner logic of their methods. But I saw an apt parody a while back on Saturday Night Live, mocking the eharmony commercials with a spoof entitled "Meharmony.com." Guaranteeing to find you someone who is your exact genetic match, but of the opposite sex.

So I wonder: How many of you out there who have found someone, found what you thought you were looking for?

Do you think, if both your profiles had been plugged into eharmony.com or some other matchup site, you would ever have come up as prime candiates for lifelong wedded bliss?

Ten years ago today I married the love of my life. What a blessing and a medium of God's grace Becky has been to me.

I can't imagine doing life with anyone else. Becky is so great, so incredible, so beautiful, she's in a class of her own. She always has been, still is, and always will be all that I could ever want or need. Every day I am only awed by her more.

Happy tenth anniversary, baby.

Amy's Calvinist love story.

The Jollyblogger finds another gem, this time from one of my favorite writers, Gary Thomas (by way of Carolyn McCulley).

From Thomas' Crosswalk article "The Sin of Marital Dissatisfaction":

Whenever marital dissatisfaction rears its head in my marriage -- as it does in virtually every marriage -- I simply check my focus. The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a "better" wife. If you're a Christian, the reality is that, biblically speaking, you can't swap your spouse for someone else. But you can change yourself. And that change can bring the fulfillment that you mistakenly believe is found only by changing partners. In one sense, it's comical: Yes, we need a changed partner, but the partner that needs to change is not our spouse, it's us! I don't know why this works. I don't know how you can be unsatisfied maritally, and then offer yourself to God to bring about change in your life and suddenly find yourself more satisfied with the same spouse. I don't why this works, only that it does work. It takes time, and by time I mean maybe years. But if your heart is driven by the desire to draw near to Jesus, you find joy by becoming like Jesus. You'll never find joy by doing something that offends Jesus -- such as instigating a divorce or an affair.

Good and challenging stuff.

Be sure to read the follow-up thoughts from both David and Carolyn.

Btw, ministers, I think Gary Thomas's Sacred Marriage would make great required reading in pre-marital counseling. Might want to check it out.

Another gem overheard at the Boneheads:

Why is it that the woman always gets to decide who gets to sleep where for stupid and arbitrary reasons? When a man says "I told you not to cook vegetarian dinners. You get to sleep on the couch tonight," that's abuse. When the woman does the same thing because the man didn't want to pay $3000 for a new armchair, that's a part of marriage we're supposed to just accept.

It's a good question, but I can tell you why a man would never kick his wife out of the bed, no matter how angry he is with her. It's because, even if they've had a terrible fight and are mad as heck at each other, the whole time they're laying there, the man is thinking there's still the possibility of sex.

;-)

I was watching an episode of Friends the other night. My wife and I usually enjoy watching that show, both because its subject matter is frequently, from our moral perspective, bizarre, and because its presentation is as funny as television comedy gets.

In that episode, Chandler and Monica were approaching their wedding day. Monica saw Phoebe going through the excitement of "falling in love" with someone. Despair overtook her as she contemplated the idea of never falling in love again. And this is what struck me as most bizarre- she was in panic over the idea of sleeping with the same person for the rest of her life. Some of you may recall that, in the wake of the Jude Law fiasco, Kate Hudson made some related comments about the impossibility of monogamy.

Of all the concerns I had about marriage, that dread of sleeping with the same woman for the rest of my life was not remotely among them. I was reminded on watching that show of a dialogue in a book by Doug Wilson that perfectly captures why this is so.

"I can't imagine anything more boring than what you say God requires. Making love to only one woman for life. God! That's like buying one record and taking it home and playing it over and over and over again."

"I'm afraid your analogy is a faulty one. It is not like buying one record, it is like buying one instrument and learning how to play it. If you are committed, boredom is not a danger."

That's right on the money. Every human being, and hence every husband, and every wife-- is a person, with limitless possibilities in and out of the bedroom. My wife is nowhere near a broken record, playing the same song over and over again.

No virtuoso ever spurned an instrument because he had played every beatiful combination of notes and mastered everything that instrument had to offer (certainly for other reasons, beyond the scope of the analogy). A lot of amateurs, though, have turned aside instruments out of boredom, but that thing they call "boredom" is the dull, aching feeling you get when you don't want to do hard work.

This also gives the lie to that other famous excuse for getting it on-- testing your prospective marriage partner for physical "compatibility." That is right up there among the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. God designed us so that the effect of a physical relationship is to bind two people together, regardless of everything else going on. That's not to say everything will always go smoothly. It is to say that making it work is about practice, patience, and hard work, and not about some mysterious element of physical "compatibility." A husband and wife who show each other the love Paul describes in Ephesians 5 will not fail at applying the Song of Solomon. A husband and wife who love each other in that Christian sense will ultimately find knowing each other in the biblical sense rewarding. A couple that shares enmity over the dinner table will not find bliss in the bedroom.

The quotation I used above is from Doug Wilson's book, Persuasions: A Dream of Reason Meeting Unbelief. It is an apologetics book written in dialogue form, in which a Christian is walking along a road, and encounters unbelievers of various stripes. It is sort of a Pilgrim's Progress-type book, but centered around the encounters, and not the journey.

Here another gem from that same chapter:

"It is a common misperception that opposition to the perversion of a thing is the same as opposition to the thing itself. But of course the idea is absurd."

"How is it absurd?" Randy asked.

"If someone wanted to draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa, would that be an act of vandalism?"

"Of course it would."

"If you had the opportunity to stop such an act, would you?"

"Certainly."

"Would you step in as a friend of art or as an enemy of it?"

"As a friend."

"But suppose the vandal reviled you as an enemy of all that is beautiful. How would you answer him?"

"I would not need to answer him. The accusation is absurd."

"Exactly so. Absurd is the right word. And if you have understood the argument, you will stop accusing Christians of being the enemy of the very thing they desire to protect. Sexual immorality destroys a very great gift of God. Immorality is vandalism."

Nine years ago today, Becky made me the happiest man in the world.


We've actually been an "item" for twelve years, as we got married on the third anniversary of the day we began dating.

It is so hard to put my thoughts on a day like this together, because nothing I can say, even if I were to write the best thing I have ever written, could even approach expressing the blessedness, the joy, the gratitude, the bewilderment (knowing what I know about me) I feel knowing God has given someone as incredible as Becky to someone like me.


So we've been in love for basically twelve years, and I say this without exaggeration at all -- every day I cannot help but love her, because every day brings with it an exponential increase in her beauty, wisdom, and loveliness. She gets smarter, godlier, funnier, sexier, more selfless and more merciful every day. She is an amazing demonstration daily of God's grace to me. She has made me a better man, a better father, and a better follower of Jesus.



You know that inner inexpressible something parents feel when they are suddenly struck by the specialness and the beauty and the weight of what it means to have kids? That comes close. Hardly a day goes by that I am not zapped by that overwhelming sense of . . . oomph! when I think about her. It's a transcendent thing, something too big for my brain and body. Twelve years later, I'm still head over heels, beyond all reason in love with my wife. She's Proverbs 31, 1 Corinthians 13, and the Song of Solomon all rolled into one!


Thanks for an unbelievable nine (twelve!) years, baby. I love you.

This article calls it "The Great Soulmate Debate." Does marital bliss depend on finding "the one", or does it depend on working hard with the one you are married to? This article asks the question this way: Does God?s plan for our lives include a specific person as a mate? I've chosen to word it this way:

Does It Matter Who I Marry?

I think that the answer is both Yes and no. Of course it matters who you marry. The Bible is very clear that it is best if our spouse knows and loves the Lord as we do. It is unwise to marry a person who is so different than us in values that they might turn us away from the Lord. There are also people out there with whom we would obviously be in an unhealthy or harmful relationship if we married them. So, of course, it is wise to exercise discernment and scrutiny when considering whom to marry.

?Do not be yoked together with unbelievers? (Ephesians 6:14).

However, it is also possible to go too far the other way. Our culture and Hollywood put a lot of stock in finding ?the one.? There is a lot of talk about that ?one person? or ?soul mate? that we are destined to marry. And so divorce is excused if it turned out you didn?t marry the ?right person? or your ?soul mate.? In Hollywood movies, the audience roots for the two people who seem to be "destined to be together" regardless of what other relationships they might be in. In our culture, many seem to go through divorce after divorce constantly seeking ?the one? as though trial and error is an effective method.

God does have a plan for each one of us according to his sovereign will (Psalm 139:16). And God's sovereign will certainly includes who we marry. But as far as our responsibility of choosing a mate goes, the Bible never speaks of us having to find one specific ?soul mate? to marry, as if marrying anyone other than that one is somehow outside of his "perfect" will for us. Rather, the Bible speaks of our responsibility to marry the right kind of person. In other words, we should seek a believer for whom Christ-like character is their primary nature, all the time in every circumstance. Using Scripture as our guide for godly character, we should seek someone who is loving, kind, generous, honest, virtuous, hardworking etc?

Then, once married, both parties are responsible to love one another and to become more and more Christ-like. So you can become the right person for your spouse by becoming who Jesus wants you to be.

?Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her? (Ephesians 5:25).

?A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised? (Proverbs 31:10, 30).

It would be wrong to divorce someone because he or she isn?t ?the one.? I?ve heard of people who look back on their marriage and say, ?It wasn?t God?s will that I marry that person.? If that person weren?t a Christ-like person, then I would have to agree. But divorce is not how God wants us to right past mistakes. If that person was Christ-like when you married them, I don?t think you can say that it was outside of God?s will. What can be more in God?s will than for two Christ-like people to join their lives in service to Him and to each other? As far as ?correcting mistakes? goes, if you are married now, with the exception of marital unfaithfulness, it is God?s will that you stay married (see Matthew 5:32). The Biblical way to correct a mistake is to work on that marriage and for both parties to turn that marriage into a Biblical picture of marriage.

For those who are still seeking a mate, I?d like to say this: Please spend your effort becoming the sort of person that will be a worthy spouse, and hold others up to the same high standards. Then after marriage, continue spending your time becoming more and more Christ-like. That will produce far more God-honoring marriages than playing marital ?Go Fish.?

Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.

- Song of Solomon 1:15 (ESV)

At about this time of the day, twenty years ago, on a mountainside in New Mexico, I met the love of my life.

When I met her she was laughing.

I will never, ever forget that moment. After almost seventeen years of marriage and four wonderful kids, I love her more now than I ever would have thought possible. I have been blessed so much through this marriage to my best friend.

I love you sweetie. You have captivated my heart, and I fall down that mountain again every time I see you.

Recycled...

Three things are too wonderful for me; four I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a snake on a rock,
The way of a ship on the high seas,
And the way of a man with a girl.
-- Proverbs 30:18-19

Discoshaman, of Le Sabot Post-Moderne, in a recent post wrote: "And so there's an eschatological longing bound up in both of these relationships. . . for a Spouse that will care for and understand us perfectly, and for a time when every tribe, tongue and nation will stand united in love."
It's a neat little thought -- actually a big thought -- and though what he means by it is not exactly what I have in mind to write about, it really gave an inspirational context to the theme of my personal romantic history.

The Bible describes marriage as a covenant and as a living picture of God's loving relationship with His children, and because the Bible uses romantic and marital imagery in its foretelling of our Lord's return, I have found it interesting and gratifying to think of the quest for romance -- for the waiting for and seeking of a permanent Lover to become one flesh with -- as a longing akin to eschatological hope.
I love romances that are hopeful, that are easily connected to "the hope that is within me." The film version of Sense and Sensibility comes to mind, as I pointed out in this post. (Have't read the book, so don't know about that.)

The thing about realized eschatology is that it is not only the fulfillment of hopes, but also the redemption of the hopeless. It means God's promises are kept despite our hardships, our longing, our longsuffering. I find that startlingly relatable to my life's romances.

I've been a hopeless romantic ever since I can remember. I concur with the line from a Thomas Campbell poem, "Better be courted and jilted / Than never be courted at all." And the history of my "love life," even from pre-adolescence, is a long line of sensing, seeking, and hoping for the ultimate Love it pointed to:

- In the second grade, I "married" Elizabeth Roberts in the playhouse of the school playground. As every second grader then knew, kissing is a sin, so when our "minister" Christopher Pugtenat pronounced us husband and wife, Elizabeth kissed a leaf(!) and pressed it to my cheek.

- During and after my brief playground marriage to Elizabeth (ending in playground divorce about 30 minutes later), I pined for Sarah, the preacher's daughter. Alas, Sarah was always unattainable, because . . . well, because she was the preacher's daughter. I highly suspect my marriage to Elizabeth was intended to make Sarah jealous.

- In third grade, I pined for Lisa Holly. But she was one of the pretty girls.

- I actually had a girlfriend for 4th and 5th grade, Molly Motley. A cute blonde and a tomboy I could play soccer with in the cul-de-sac. I wooed her with a note that read: "I want to go around with you. Circle yes or no. P.S. You have to stop sucking your thumb." She did.

- Moved back to my hometown for 6th grade. Sarah again. [sigh] I'm not sure I really liked her in that way, so much as I was intrigued by her virtue and unattainability.

- 7th grade: "Went around" with Stacy. Still pined for Sarah.

- Moved in 8th grade to New Mexico. Where do I begin? Trina was the girl I stared at in class, but never ever spoke to. It just didn't seem right to defile her personal space with my stuttering words.

- 9th grade: Marie Loper. A great "girl next door" who entertained my puppy-dog advances but always longed for the stud two grades up. I even dated Kendra to make Marie jealous. Didn't happen, I don't think. Then, on the day we moved back to Texas, Marie tells me she loves me. Gee, thanks. That's a big load off.

- 10th grade: Still hacked about Marie. Dated Heather to fill the void.

- 11th grade: Meet Becky Methvin in a bit of platonic foreshadowing.

- Halfway through 11th grade: Hmmm. This Becky chick is starting to seem like more than just a buddy. We have so much to talk about. In one of the dumbest moves ever made by any human being, I start "seeing" Trudy, but begin secretly dating Becky. Okay, not really dating. She was the intern for the youth group, so we just coincidentally kept running into each other at the movies and what-not.

- Last part of 11th grade: BECKY.
- 12th grade: BECKY
- First year of college: BECKY
- June 29, 1996: Becky is finally really mine.

It was always Becky. For eighteen years, it was Becky. She is the leit-motif of my life -- the Love testified to by all the loves. She is the Promised Land after years of wandering in the romantic desert.
I got my girl next door, my "prettiest girl in school," my best friend -- all in one glorious person. I am not a hopeless romantic anymore; I am hopeful. To twist an Augustinian phrase: "My heart was not at rest until it found its rest in her."
It is relatively easy to love a God who gives out women like this to portray His grace and redeeming love to mutts like me.

Never wedding, ever wooing,
Still a lovelorn heart pursuing,
Read you not the wrong you're doing
In my cheek's pale hue?
All my life with sorrow strewing;
Wed or cease to woo.
-- again, Thomas Campbell

---
Addendum:

We can think of a pre-Christian's seeking as his awkwardly finding his way to the One calling him. Like the Lewisian concept of mythology as "gleams of celestial beauty" perhaps providing glimpses of truth, acting as glowing signposts leading the way to the real Light like the shadows on the wall of the cave in Plato's parable, we find the things leading to a relationship with Christ vaguely satisfying but not ultimately fulfilling.
In the same way, all of the little romances we have before we marry (if we ever do -- alas, it is not meant for everyone) are awkward fumblings, sometimes clumsy "figurings out," toward the final and fulfilling loves of our lives.

When Jesus called Lazarus forth, I imagine the poor guy stubbed his toe on a few rocks as he made his way out of the pitch blackness of the tomb toward the Light.

Becky has started her own Cool List to appear at my solo site every Tuesday.

Well, I just finished the crossword puzzle from the Life section of USA Today. This has become one of my new favorite pasttimes. I was introduced to the crossword on my recent vacation to Minnesota. The couple that we (my wife and I) went with showed us the wonder and mystery of the "crossword", as we have come to call it. We were instantly hooked. It is challenging and fun and sometimes very frustrating. It is a good test of ones pop culture knowledge as well as the amount of useless information one carries along every day.

The best thing about the puzzle is that it has become a really fun thing for my wife and I to do even when we are not on a date. As those of you who are married with children know, it is not always easy to find the time or the sitter to have a real date. The crossword has become something that we look forward to every day. I buy the crossword on the way home from work and later, when the kids settle down we attack it. It's a blast. No T.V. or any other interruptions, aside from the occasional wondering four-year old. Sometimes we finish it (like tonight), others we don't (like last night) but we always have fun. I would highly recommend it to married and un-married folks alike. You won't be disappointed. Anyone else have some good date-at-home ideas, aside from the obvious of course?

As of 2 o?clock today, Beth and I have been married for 16 years, and I still feel like the luckiest man in the world. Beth is the woman of my dreams, and she makes me a better man than I really am. I still can?t believe I ended up with such an incredible wife. She is generous and kind, beautiful and sexy, intelligent and curious, supportive and loving. She has an enthusiasm for life that is infectious; with her, everything is just more fun. God has been ridiculously good to me.

We both took the day off from work to celebrate our love. After taking the kids to school this morning, she brought me Starbucks in bed. Is that a great wife or what? Then we just spent the day being together. We hung out, went shopping (at a bookstore & at the J. Jill store), went out for lunch, and just generally enjoyed being together. After the kids got home from school, we all jumped in the car and drove out The Narrows of the Harpeth State Park. We got a late start, so it was nearly dark by the time we got there.


Michael, Joshua, Hannah, & Beth, March 12, 2004,
atop the ridge above the Narrows of the Harpeth River.


Joshua and Hannah climbing up the trail along the ridge above the Harpeth River. As you can see, it gets pretty steep in places.

Life is Good! God is Good! Ridiculously Good!

For those of you who remember that my wife, Laura, is in the process of getting her teacher certification, I have good news. For those of you who do not remember (or never knew), it's still good news. I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!
Seriously, Laura received her Texes test score by email today and passed with a 93% score! She needed 240 out of 300 possible points and ended up with 278. This was the last big hurdle in getting a teaching job. Now she can pursue a teaching position in English/Language Arts 4th-8th grade and the principals will be confident that she knows her stuff.
After the less-than-ideal year she had last year, God has allowed Laura to start '04 off on the right foot. God goes hard!

Happy new year!

Anybody remember the very first blog ever posted on Thinklings? In it I lamented "joyless women." I regret finding out today that one of the women I mentioned (not by name) has divorced her husband. Sad.
We make marriage too easy to get into and too easy to get out of. And we don't "call" people on their hatred of their spouses. It's a culture of me-first -- the sins of pride and envy -- that makes even Christians today go into marriage only hoping to get something out of it. No wonder so many women (and men) are bitter.