Last June, when I was checked into the Graybar Hotel, I read books like crazy. I was probably known among the inmates as the guy who stays on his bunk all day and reads. I did do a little fraternizing over the chessboard with my colleagues from time to time, but by and large my time was passed by reading the slew of books people were gracious enough to send me. I also spent hours upon hours in prayer and Bible study. It was like a 30-day spiritual retreat. Despite the circumstances, I loved it.

Like many things in life, jail is what you make of it. Guys inside talked about "doing your time right," meaning using your jail or prison time constructively, to grow as a person, to get a GED, to learn a trade, etc. While many guys talked like that, not many actually lived that out. Most people in jail are broken, addicted, desperate, evil, manipulative people -- the exact type of people JESUS came to save. By seeing up-close-and-personal realities of unchecked sin, I developed a deeper understanding and appreciation for the grace of God.

Taxpayers don't want to spend too much money on prisoner housing, so the cramped quarters of jail also mean that your physical proximity to other inmates is closer than what most people would be comfortable with; but that physical closeness also means there are many opportunities to actually talk to hurting people. I think JESUS would have enjoyed it.

The "tank" I was in was a 28-man dorm with a common day room, shower facility, and seven 4-man rooms known as "houses." A typical house was roughly 150 square feet, but, due to the way the tanks were designed, one house in each tank was almost twice as big as the six other houses, and it even had a semi-private toilet (the other houses had non-private toilets). I was fortunate enough to be in the larger house in my tank. When one inmate walked into my house for the first time, he said, "D***, what is this, a f***ing suite?"

Over a period of time in jail, you tend to associate with certain people. Of course, I spent a lot of time with my "cellies" (that's jail lingo for "roommate"). The de facto leader of our house was a guy named Alex McKenzie. Alex was half black and half Hispanic, about 5'9" with a shaved head and a muscular build. Like most people in jail, he had several tattoos. Everyone knew him as Alley Cat. Alley Cat was doing 7 months for battery. He was a confirmed Crip (one of the few in my tank since most others were Bloods or Gangster Disciples), a non-practicing Muslim, and an aspiring recording artist. A young man at 28, he had previously done seven years in prison (for what, I don't know), and, thankfully, he always made sure that house rules were enforced (e.g. always flush the toilet while you're urinating; clean the sink with a rag after you use it; keep the place swept on a regular basis; etc.).

Alley Cat was a sort of lone wolf. He'd gamble with the other inmates, talk to them quite a bit, joke around some, and spend time watching TV with them, but, by and large, he stood apart from them. (The way he put it, "I'll f*** with them, but from a distance.") Like most guys in the Slam, he didn't have a problem with using violence to make a point or to correct something he thought was wrong (he once beat another inmate when the inmate refused to pay a gambling debt: a hamburger lunch tray), but he wasn't a bully. He was highly respected because he was seen as a leader.

Alley Cat told me there were three rules anyone needed to know if they were to survive being locked up: "Mind your own f***ing. Mind your own f***ing. And mind your own f***ing." (In other words, mind your own business.) He was right. I liked him a lot.

Experiences like getting to know Alley Cat, spending hours upon hours in the Word and prayer, and seeing day-to-day jail life up close and personal really made a lasting impression on me. As we wait for news from BC, I find myself often thinking of all the Lord has brought us through the past 10 months. The ride isn't over yet, but His faithfulness is always comforting.

Thanks to my friend Jared at The Gospel-Driven Church linking to this blog (with my go-ahead), I think I have a couple of more readers. And I'm thinking those readers might be scratching their heads a bit wondering exactly what the blog is about, and where I'm coming from. So here's a quick rundown ...

- I lived a double life for all of my life, until January 14, 2008, when I finally repented of my sins and came clean to my wife, my friends, and my family. I didn't fall on the Rock; the Rock fell on me.

- I experienced grace, love, and forgiveness, from God first, and then from all those who were close to me.

- One of the sins I had hidden happened when I was a teacher in 2001. I had an illicit conversation with a student of mine, got caught, and was subsequently placed on probation (which is set to expire, finally, in April of 2012). I denied that I had done anything wrong. In short, I lied.

- On January 18, 2008, I had what might be called a conversion experience. As I wrote in Jared's forthcoming book, Gospel Wakefulness, I was "apprehended by the risen Christ." On the way to work I felt the Spirit telling me I was a new creation. I wept and felt His love wash over me. It was the most authentic experience I have ever had in my life.

- For almost two and a half years, life was bliss. Brandi and I renewed our vows (and this time I meant every single word); we had a gorgeous new baby who reminded me of the Gospel of Grace, so I named her Evangeline Grace; and we bought a home that we love, a home that we plan to live in forever.

- In May 2009 I failed a routine polygraph. I told the truth, but the machine said I was deceptive. Subsequently the authorities in my life feared (understandably so) for the safety of my children. They called CPS and sent me on a state-sponsored vacation for a month.

- I came out of the joint and promptly took and failed yet another polygraph. A few weeks later, CPS closed the case because there was no evidence of abuse.

- Despite the CPS report coming up clean as a whistle (or, to use their words, "sexual abuse was ruled out"), the probation department decided to put a stipulation in my conditions saying I can not be around my children. I can't see them. I can't talk to them. I can't mail them letters. Nothing.

- The state-appointed therapist that I've worked with for seven years now sees our situation as detrimental to our family, and has gone on record stating that his goal is to reunite us. Like many in that state, he uses the polygraph as a tool for treatment, and he believes in its efficacy, but he is not jaundiced. He knows what the machine is, and what it is not. He seems to believe in me, and that has been one of the biggest blessings through this entire ordeal.

- That's it! Thanks to everyone who stops by here, and thanks for all of your friendship and support. I don't ask for prayer for myself, but I do ask for prayer for my wife, Brandi, and my children: Nathan, Daniel, Abigail, and Evangeline. God is truly faithful.

I love you!

I've been mediating lately on Titus 3:3-7, trying to memorize it.

3 For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another.

4 But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared,

5 not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,

6 whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior,

7 that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

I'm comforted to know that our salvation is not dependent in any way on "works of righteousness which we have done," but, rather, "His mercy." "Works of righteousness," I think, transcends the narrow definition of Old Testament law, and brings the whole idea of "works" into the realm of anything we do to become righteous in His eyes. We can't do anything, not without Him initiating in us and working through our hearts.

I've been free -- thank you, JESUS -- from sexual addiction for almost three years now! When I think about my previous level of addiction, and how it's completely non-existent in my life now, I'm amazed -- simply amazed. I know that I have nothing to do with being free, because my will is not sovereign and self-determining -- His is.

Thank you, Yahweh. It's worth everything.

I've had a few people ask me lately for an update, and the reality is right now there's not much going on with our situation. I don't anticipate that anything is going to happen this side of the new year, but if there are any changes I'll post them here.

Brandi and I are alright for the most part. Thanks to the graciousness of my mother-in-law -- and occasionally others, like my brother -- we're able to see each other two or three times a week. And I spend as much time at our house as I can, when the kids aren't around.

Thanks again to everyone for your continued prayers and support. You all truly are much appreciated. Please continue to pray for Brandi, Nathan, Daniel, and Evangeline.

To whoever sent us the Happy Thanksgiving card, thank you. :-)

Since the beginning of this trial, we've received an ocean of support and love from so many of our family and friends. We are so grateful for that support -- it means everything to us.

In January 2008, through God's grace, I walked away from a world of sin. Prior to that, through years of duplicity, I had become an expert liar and a master manipulator. Without a twinge of guilt, I would look someone in the eye, speak a heinous lie, and fully expect that person to believe me. Now that I have been crucified with Christ, I don't have to worry about some dark area of my life being exposed to the light -- I'm walking with Him now. Sure, like anyone else I still sin plenty of times, but God has set me free from the besetting sins that defined my bondage. And what a freedom it is.

Currently, at least in the world's eyes, I'm under a cloud of suspicion, but I've had so many brothers and sisters come to me and express their confidence and trust in what God has done in my life. At times I almost feel overwhelmed by the love and support poured out by so many people. If I've learned nothing else the past few weeks, I've at least learned a little bit more of what Paul meant when he said said love "believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

I'm thankful to my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I'm glad I'm not the person I used to be. I'm glad that the man who lived prior to January 14, 2008 is now a dead man.

The glorious thing about talking about my former self, and realizing that my "old man" is six feet under, is that I actually feel happy when sharing about what God's done in my life. The truth of 2 Corinthians 5:17 resonates in my soul: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." I think sometimes, when I'm feeling condemned and inadequate, God probably wants to say, "What part of 'new creation' do you not understand?" Of course, God doesn't have some anthropomorphic snappy side. The reality is the Holy Spirit gently whispers His truth through fellow believers and His written Word, encouraging me in and through His truth.

I'm thankful for the glory of death: Death to self; death to sin; death to unrighteousness. And I'm thankful that through His grace, I won't taste the second death (Revelation 20:6). Through death I've been rescued from death.

"But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death" (Romans 6:21 ESV).

An excerpt from an email I sent out to some brothers on July 11:

Brothers,

Thank you all for continuing to stand with my family through this trial. He's good, and I feel His love through each and every one of you.

The worship service this morning was made just for me. I was deeply encouraged to be reminded again that God not only sometimes leads us into Red Sea moments, but also provides the parting of the waters so that His name would be glorified. His glory is what it's all about, and praise God that His glory always coincides with what's best for us. Our joy in Him, and our dependence on Him, glorifies Him.

When Fred said to "stand up" in the midst of your trial, to face the ocean, and to trust God to part the waters, I was reminded of Ephesians 6, "Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

I was also reminded of Martin Luther defending his convictions before the authorities in 1521. He said, "I am bound by the Scriptures I have quoted and my conscience is captive to the Word of God. . . . Here I stand. I can do no other."

After the message, Paul Beden and Kyle Wallace prayed for me. I was humbled to be blessed by someone (Paul) who has traveled through life with JESUS for so many more years than I have, and who has so much wisdom and compassion, having been at the Master's feet for so long. And I was humbled to be blessed by Kyle, who has walked through his own Red Sea moments in his 40+ years of life, knowing full well that our Abba parts the waters and allows us to walk on dry land. Thank you, brothers.

The reports I get from home are always positive: The kids are joyful, things are going well, everyone is keeping up with the chores, and life is happening just as it always has. I'm thankful for those things, and I'm thankful for little bumps of joy that Brandi sends my way via text messages and emails every day. (For example, she texted me today: "Right now I'm watching one of our chickens eat a baby snake. :-)" That was a good thing! Protein for our chickens and a baby snake that will never grow into an adult snake.)

On the challenging side of things, Brandi's still sans her Suburban (it's in the shop), so she's still stranded at home. I think her and the kids must be getting cabin fever by now (it's been about a week). We're also finding that getting time together can be an arduous endeavor, and we're praying for God to open some doors for us to spend more time together.

In other matters, there are no real updates at this time. Please, brothers and sisters, keep praying for Brandi, Nathan, Daniel, Abigail, and Evangeline. They are my favorite people in the world, and I miss them deeply.

I'm a blogger. I like the idea of a living, breathing journal that anyone in the world could stumble upon and interact with. I've kept a personal blog for two or three years now, and I've been involved with a venerable group blog since 2003 (see the link on the sidebar).

Being separated from my family has suddenly given me a wealth of free time, and I've been able to seize the opportunity to use my free time to pray, seek God, read Scripture, listen to sermons, read encouraging literature, and work. By God's grace I've spent very little time amusing myself with games, TV, or other distractions that can so easily demand our attention and make us wonder how we ever lived without them.

The sudden free time has also freed me to blog more often, and last week I felt compelled to begin this blog, Broken Vessel. The idea for this blog, and even the title of the blog, came upon me very quickly, and I was certain that the idea was from God. If nothing else, I pray that my children will read this blog years from now and know that during this time of painful separation they were constantly on my mind. I want them to know that I could not stop thinking about them, I could not stop weeping over the separation from them, and I could not stop looking forward to being reunited with them. I know without a doubt that the day I see my children again will be the happiest day of my life.

By God's grace, two and a half years ago I stopped using pornography. I had always heard nightmare stories of lapses, relapses, and the pain associated with breaking the bonds of such a sin, and shortly after giving it up I was fully prepared (at least mentally) for an onslaught of temptation. It never came. I haven't had a "drop" of pornography since January 2008. Thank you, JESUS.

While I believe that most people who walk away from that particular sin go through a process that eventually leads to complete freedom, God decided to set me free instantly. BAM! It was done. (Paradoxically, I may be a fool, but I'm certainly not a fool. I know that I'm capable of any sin under the sun, and I know that without JESUS I'd run straight to the bondage of the temporal pleasures of passing sin.)

With that said, I can't get over my family. Dropping pornography was easy; dropping my family is impossible. The Force of Love is stronger than the force of sin, and I feel that force, that power, drawing my thoughts toward my family all of the time. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't stop wondering what they're doing. I can't stop grieving over what feels like a living death. Yet, despite the grief, I rejoice in the truth, knowing this trial can not last forever, and that the pain I feel today will recede when the joy of a reunited tomorrow is finally fulfilled.

I want to long for Heaven the way I long for my family. I want to long for JESUS that way. I want to feel homesick while present in this body, knowing that to be absent from it is far better. To live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Like John I want to lean against our Rabbi's chest and feel His heartbeat. Like Peter I want to hear Him dismiss my stray thoughts and say, "What is that to you? You follow me." Like Paul, I want to hear Him say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

I want JESUS.

Well, it's out on the Internet, and there is no password required to view it, so presumably anyone could stumble upon it. I can't say that I really care. The beauty of walking in freedom from sin is you really don't have anything to hide. With that said, if anyone feels like they want to share this site with someone who is familiar with our situation, I'm fine with it. For someone who is not familiar with our situation, however, a little more explanation might be in order.

On Monday we found out that I could not have any communication with the kids (as I'm sure you all know by now). Now we're faced with trying to locate an attorney who would hopefully help us petition the court to amend the conditions of my supervision, so that I can have some sort of contact with Nathan, Daniel, Abigail, and Evangeline.

I left on Tuesday to go to a funeral in Houston, got back Wednesday, and the past two days have been spent trying to catch up at work (I'm thankful for my job, by the way). The reality is, then, we haven't had any time to pursue "attorney shopping." Please pray with us as we consider our options, and as we seek the Lord's provision in this matter.

Speaking of prayer, thank you for all the prayers you lift up on our behalf. At certain times, it's like we can feel them, almost tangibly, holding us up and keeping our hearts on JESUS. I love the way the ESV translates 2 Corinthians 1:11: "You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many."

A woman I know via work (the mother of some fellow employees who know some general details about our situation) saw me today and said, before even saying hello, "Eric, I am praying for you and your family every single day." That's the sort of thing we feel. Thank you all so much.

As God so lavishly reiterated to us over the past several Sunday mornings at Antioch: The Battle Belongs to the Lord. We know that and we believe it; that truth is in our hearts and in our minds. Therefore, we want your prayers because we know the battle belongs to the Lord. Thank you all for your diligence. Thank you all for standing with us, and ushering us into His presence.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith being much more precious than gold that perishes though it be tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ. -- 1 Peter 1:6 & 7

Praise God that this trial has brought Brandi and me closer to JESUS. We're not perfect by any means, but we've seen the value of falling on our face before the living God, crying out to Him, and truly casting our cares on Him, knowing that He cares for us. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we have never felt closer and more loved by our Lord than we do right now, in the midst of the storm. He is faithful, and He loves us!

He's also given us the grace to avoid anger, frustration, and fruitless bickering over things like the definitiveness (or lack thereof) of polygraph technology and the seeming obstinacy of some authorities involved. We rest in His assurance (though not always perfectly), and we know that all authority comes from God (Romans 13:1).

To the extent that this trial has brought us closer to JESUS, it's been a blessing. We're thankful.

If you've arrived here, you probably didn't arrive by accident. Thank you for stopping by. On this blog I plan to post my thoughts, feelings, and anything I think the Lord might be speaking to me or my family.

If you've been invited to this blog, then please know that you're a beloved friend or family member who is intimately acquainted with our situation. I won't hold anything back on the way I'm feeling, and, just so you know, sometimes my feelings take me to the bottom of a deep, dark pit. At other times, however, my feelings soar high above the heavens. But at all times JESUS our Lord is in control, and His mercies endure forever and ever -- despite circumstances or temporal feelings.

Like David says in Psalm 31, "I am like a broken vessel," but he also says Yahweh "has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city."

He is our strong city.