I wonder if I have been silent on this journal because you all are too much in my thoughts, rather than the other way around. It’s Saturday morning. I miss you all so much, I can barely stand it. I pray that this journal will one day be a blessing, a chronicle of God’s faithfulness, rather than a chronicle if my descent into insanity and despair.

From my personal journal that I keep for my kids. This entry is dated July 27, 2010:

Daniel, yesterday mommy told me that you asked, “What can I buy daddy for $16 for his homecoming party?” You only have $16 to your name right now, and you’re wanting to spend it all on me when I come home. You’re such a sweet boy; I love you so much. I don’t know what God’s plan is, but it feels like I’m on the shore of an ocean, and you’re on the shore on the other side -- the distance feels so far.

I dreamed about you, Daniel. I was leaving a Sunday morning service at church. There were people all around, squeezed so close together, trying to get out of one door. Suddenly a little child fell down behind me. He was flat on his stomach and no one was picking him up. So I reached down to pick him up, and after I picked him up, I saw you behind him. I was kneeling down, face to face with you. You cried big tears, and said, “Daddy, I miss you.” I held you, looked at your face, and said, “I know, Daniel. I miss you too, but I promise I’ll come home as soon as I can.”

The dream seamed real. I could hear your sweet voice so clearly, and I could see your face right in front of me -- you were so close to me. I was simultaneously full of joy and sorrow. I would have wanted to stay in that dream for a long time, but the pain was so intense that it woke me up.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I know you miss me. Please know I miss you too, and I think about you every day, all of the time. One day we’ll be together again, Daniel. I love you.

This is a rerun of a post I did a month or so ago on my personal blog. I thought it would be appropriate to post it again here.

Nathan -- As I write this you're 10 years old. I'll never forget when your mommy and I found out she was pregnant and that we were going to have a baby boy -- we were so happy. And the day you were born was one of the happiest days we've ever had. Since that day in 1999, you've brought us so much joy. I never knew how much I could love another human being until you came into my life. Nathan, I love you so much it hurts. I love you, my son. I love you, and I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the man that you are becoming and I'm proud of everything you do. Please know that nothing can ever separate you from Jesus' love, and all I want for you is to live for Him. Follow Him all of your days. I love you, Nathan.

Daniel -- When your mommy and I found out we were having another boy, we rejoiced! We knew you and Nathan would be lifelong friends, and we knew you would always be there for each other. As you grew older, your sweet personality captivated us and to this day we love your sensitive nature and the fact that you seem to love hugs more than any of your siblings. Daniel, you make me so happy. I love you. You're a handsome young man and I know God has special things in store for your life. Please always know that your daddy loves you, and that Jesus loves you too. No matter what, Jesus is always with you.

Abigail -- You're a beautiful princess, because you belong to the King of Kings. Oh Abigail, you remind me of your mommy so much. You're sweet like her, your hair is curly like her hair, and you're every bit as beautiful as your mommy. I love you so much, Abigail. I'll always keep you in my heart, and I'll always love and pray for you -- as long as you live! You can live all of your life, Abigail, knowing that your daddy loves you. I love you, my little princess. I love you! Remember, Jesus loves you more than anyone, and He always will.

Evangeline -- My little angel, Eve. You came into our lives a little over a year ago, and you came as a gift from God, like a shower of grace just when we needed it. I'll always believe that on that warm June day in 2009, when you came into the world and your mommy and I held you, we realized that we needed you just as much as you needed us. Your name, Evangeline Grace, echoes the Gospel of Grace, and your life is a tangible reflection of Abba's grace in our lives. We didn't deserve you, but God gave you to us anyway. I'll always love you no matter what. You can never lose my love, ever.

A few weeks ago I started keeping a journal for my kids. I plan to occasionally post some of those journal entries here. Here's the entry for August 17 (yesterday):

I had a dream about you last night, Evangeline. I dreamed I walked out of church and saw you on the floor outside the door with a group of other kids. You looked up at me, took a couple of steps toward me, stumbled to the ground, and smiled. I remember the dream so vividly: picking you up, looking at you, holding you, and thinking, I’m not supposed to be doing this, but I don’t care. I was so happy.

I haven’t seen you since May 26. Sweetheart, that makes me so very sad. I’m sorry I missed your first birthday on June 24. I pray I never have to miss another one again. I love you so much, I feel like my heart is literally breaking. I would give anything to be with you right now. I love you.