That's what it feels like right now, like all of life is covered with a blanket of darkness.

I feel a literal pain in my heart. Well, maybe it's not literally there, but I can't differentiate much right now between physical and emotional pain. Even pain isn't a strong enough word; violence might be more appropriate, bloody sadistic violence at that.

I want them back.

I think I dream about them every night, but I only remember my dreams about them two or three times a week. One reoccurring theme in my dreams involves me seeing my kids somewhere and having to hide from them so that they don't know I'm around. I woke up last night because in my dream Nathan recognized me and cornered me -- "It's Daddy!" -- so that I had no choice but to acknowledge him. I thought, To heck with it, I'm going to hold my son. Before I could even give him a good hug and kiss, the reality of the dream spiked my emotions so much that I woke up ... I was so sad that it wasn't real, so sad that I began to weep. Why couldn't it be real? Why can't I have 60 seconds with my children? What is that going to hurt?

"This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all" (1 John 1:5).

If that's true, why is everything black right now?