I just got back from my aunt's funeral in Houston. It was good to celebrate her life and to know that she died in the Faith, and that now she's standing before the Lord.

During the eulogy my mind started to drift, and I began thinking about being at that funeral with Brandi and the kids (they were back in Waco), and how happy I would be to have the "responsibility" of watching my four little children during the funeral service. I imagined Daniel leaning his little head against my shoulder, whispering in my ear to ask me when the service would end. It was a good daydream.

Just to reiterate, as of right now, I'm not supposed to have have any communication whatsoever with my children. The past few days have been difficult, being separated from them completely as if they don't exist. But they do exist, and the force of the love I feel for them is truly stronger, I think, than anything I've ever felt in my life. It feels weighty, like intense pressure on my heart.

Don't misunderstand me, I love my wife more than anyone on earth, but the force of that love has never had to endure complete separation. When I repented of my sins two-and-a-half years ago (what a happy day), Brandi and I began a process of reconciliation that eventually built a love-wall, if you will, brick by brick, around our relationship. We still work on that wall. We still add bricks and fix patches, but it's a strong edifice now compared to what it was back then.

With my children, I loved them from the moment I saw them. And even when I lived a life of duplicity, I loved them -- despite the depths of my depravity. Still, back then, pre-January 2008, my love for them was still in many ways a shallow love. When I finally breathed the free air of repentance, my relationship with my children began to blossom. Abigail, who was previously indifferent to me, began to fall in love with me, and I with her. (Now I think she's the sweetest, most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. No, I know that. And the interesting contradiction here is I also know that's true about Evangeline as well.)

So I'll say it again, the force of my love for my children is strong: Too strong to forget about them; too strong to not pray for them; and too strong to not long for the day when I will see them again, and hold them again. I've often thought that that day will be the happiest day of my life, and with no exaggeration, I can say that is true. It's almost overwhelming to think about.

Nathan. Daniel. Abigail. Evangeline. I love them more than anyone or anything in creation.