By God's grace, two and a half years ago I stopped using pornography. I had always heard nightmare stories of lapses, relapses, and the pain associated with breaking the bonds of such a sin, and shortly after giving it up I was fully prepared (at least mentally) for an onslaught of temptation. It never came. I haven't had a "drop" of pornography since January 2008. Thank you, JESUS.

While I believe that most people who walk away from that particular sin go through a process that eventually leads to complete freedom, God decided to set me free instantly. BAM! It was done. (Paradoxically, I may be a fool, but I'm certainly not a fool. I know that I'm capable of any sin under the sun, and I know that without JESUS I'd run straight to the bondage of the temporal pleasures of passing sin.)

With that said, I can't get over my family. Dropping pornography was easy; dropping my family is impossible. The Force of Love is stronger than the force of sin, and I feel that force, that power, drawing my thoughts toward my family all of the time. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't stop wondering what they're doing. I can't stop grieving over what feels like a living death. Yet, despite the grief, I rejoice in the truth, knowing this trial can not last forever, and that the pain I feel today will recede when the joy of a reunited tomorrow is finally fulfilled.

I want to long for Heaven the way I long for my family. I want to long for JESUS that way. I want to feel homesick while present in this body, knowing that to be absent from it is far better. To live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Like John I want to lean against our Rabbi's chest and feel His heartbeat. Like Peter I want to hear Him dismiss my stray thoughts and say, "What is that to you? You follow me." Like Paul, I want to hear Him say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

I want JESUS.