What can be done for an old heart like mine?
Soften it up with oil and wine
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love
Please wash me anew, in the wine of Your blood
-- Keith Green, "My Eyes Are Dry"

In so many ways I feel victorious in this season of life. I've gone from faith to faith, relying on God to be my painkiller, my salve. And God's been faithful, and I know He'll see us all the way through to the end of this trial.

Paradoxically, in so many ways I feel defeated in this season of life. I can't go one more day without my children, and I'm ready to do anything to be with them again. To hell with anything and everything, I want my kids.

But I know there are no shortcuts. It's like a game of chess in that no matter how much I want to charge ahead, guns a'blazing, I can't force checkmate. Pieces need to be developed, a strategy needs to be visualized, and precise tactics need to be employed. To that end I can say our motion to amend my conditions of probation allowing me to see my children was officially filed on Friday. It's highly likely now that we'll go to a full-blown hearing before the judge (a nerve-wracking possibility, for sure) to present our case. And since Brandi knows firsthand the turmoil our children have been going through, she's going to be, as our attorney says, "our star witness."

Coming to the decision to file a motion wasn't a no-brainer. Early on, we realized there were certain risks involved in exposing ourselves to the judicial system like that. The question was raised in our minds, When we go before the king, will he raise the scepter? (Esther 5:2). We needed to know what God wanted us to do, so we prayed and fasted for three days to that end, and I came away from that time of communion with God knowing that we were to proceed with the motion. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that I have never been more sure of anything in my life. We were to move forward; the peace of God had settled that in my heart.

Obeying God is still a challenge, and I'm not merely talking about obeying Him in the "big things." As one modern poet says, "Every day I die again and again, and I'm reborn." So it's a challenge every day, because every day I'm faced with the reality of a day without my children.

I've never known the truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9 until now. Whether I would have admitted it or not, to me that verse was a trite expression of a superficial trust in God for superficial wants in my superficial life. I know, though, that when JESUS says, "My grace is sufficient for you," He means it. When I am weak, I am strong.

I want to thank You now for being patient with me
It's so hard to see, when my eyes are on me
-- Keith Green, "Make My Life A Prayer To You"