As a former victim from several decades ago, I loved this post. Thanks. Your parenthetical comment about how the tactics being decried today haven't changed in generations is right on the mark. Pull it out of the parentheses.

The bullying I got was horribly painful, but I knew other kids who had to endure ten times what I had to put up with. I can't begin to imagine what they were going through inside.

If it is getting worse, it is because there is one way, and I mean one way, to deal with bullying: Corporal punishment. Bullies just don't respond to anything else. And the way things are today, any teacher who tries it is opening themselves up for a lawsuit from the parents who just know their darling little angel would never do such a thing.

Don't know about making it an arrestable offense, though. It would be another door through which the PC Kulturitat to stick their noses into the lives of families and communities where they don't belong.

As long as parents are willing to let their little monsters wreak all kinds of havoc in the lives of other kids, I don't know what the solution is.

I agree with everything you've said, but I have a question that I HOPE does not get me flamed . . .

If a seventh grade student hangs himself, isn't there something more at play than bullying?

Bullying is evil. Pure and simple. It happens thousands of times every day, all around the world. That doesn't make it less evil - just very common. Still, I don't know if I've ever heard of a suicide that is prompted by bullying. I'm sure it may have happened before, but that doesn't change the fact that I've never heard of it.

Please be kind in your response, but I tend to think that bullying wasn't the only thing torturing this poor child.

Side question: You may have answered this in another post, but what do you say to/how do you coach, a bullied child? Punch back? Let the teacher know? etc.

If a seventh grade student hangs himself, isn't there something more at play than bullying?

I'm sure it may have happened before, but that doesn't change the fact that I've never heard of it.

Please be kind in your response, but I tend to think that bullying wasn't the only thing torturing this poor child.

No worries, Quaid. I will be kind. I sure don't want to become a bully myself.

I don't know about Carl's situation more than what I read. Sure, it's entirely possible that there was more at work here. But not necessarily.

Here's why I can say that with confidence: I planned my own suicide on multiple occasions as a middle schooler. I also seriously fantasized about taking a gun to school and shooting my tormenters, quite often.

And though there were other factors: I was lonely, confused, depressed and had a low-self esteem. ALL of that, I repeat, ALL OF THAT came from bullying. And yes, the bullying was aggravated by my own characteristics: skinny, short, uncoordinated, lousy at sports, glasses etc... But again, the only real problem was bullying.

So I have no problem believing that bullying was the real and only reason Carl killed himself. (Again, there may have been other factors, but it is my belief that it's not necessary.)

As far as you never having heard of this before...
look up the word "bullycide" on google. Also enter the word at youtube. You may be shocked by how much of it you find. I think suicide caused by bullying has probably been going on for decades, but it has only recently reached public awareness. In the past few years the documented cases of "bullycide" is shocking. And it has become enough of a phenomenon that the term "bullycide" was coined for it.

Here's the story of Eric Mohat who killed himself in Mentor, Ohio in 2007. His parents are suing the school now because they claim there were THREE OTHER bully related suicides in the same school that same year.

Here is a news story from last year. (August,2008)

A new review of studies by Yale University finds that bully victims are two to nine times more likely to report having suicidal thoughts than other kids.

Please, please, please, go check out these links:

Bullypolice

Jared's Story

And finally watch this video and listen to the song:
Bullycide Memorial Video

It's only 3 minutes, 31 seconds long. I'm begging you to go watch it, even if you don't read any of the other articles I linked to. (but I hope you will.)

Here are just a few stories.

Here are more stories:
Bullycides
http://www.JaredStory.com/april_c.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/assault.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/austin.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/BenStory.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/brandon.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/bullycide_memorial.wmv
http://www.JaredStory.com/corinnesstory.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/desire.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/juliansstory.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/kristina.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/SianStory.html
http://www.JaredStory.com/Special_Cassie.html

Now Quaid, I'm not so naive as to think that you have the time to go read all that stuff, but you asked. :) Please at least go check it out, so that at least you'll be able to say you've heard of it. :)

Here are two possible solutions that people are trying:

Try to help the bullies

He started by conducting a "bully survey." Every student in the school was asked to write down the names of the bullies. Reading through the surveys, Hansen noticed the same eight names kept popping up.Instead of outing the bullies, Hansen used the surveys to identify the problem kids and meet with them individually. During the meetings, he worked on solving their problems individually, which often stemmed from trouble at home.

He also got the bullies involved in extracurricular activities as a reward for good behavior."We knew it wasn't going to be effective to bully the bullies, so we used it as a teaching moment," Hansen said.

Lawsuits

Being a bully remains a popular choice for students, particularly in middle schools, where bullying often peaks. A 2004 survey by KidsHealth found that 40% of children from 9- to 13-years-old admitted to bullying. Another recent study prepared for the American Psychological Association showed that 80% of middle school students admitted to bullying behavior in the prior 30 days.

Here's another one from just last week.

Herrera was the latest tragic victim of bullying, according to her mother, who told The New York Post that she found the 12-year-old hanging dead in a closet from a cloth belt on April 7.

Mercedes Herrera told the The Post that students constantly teased her daughter and even went as far as cutting her hair.

Illinois lawmakers are trying to figure out the recent suicides of three young children

The rush for a very public discussion of youth suicides came in the wake of three suicides last month by children 11 years old and younger. By comparison, eight Illinois children 11 years old and younger committed suicide in the eight years between 2000 and 2007, DCFS said.

On Feb. 3, a 10-year-old boy hanged himself in the toilet stall of his Evanston school, according to the Cook County medical examiner. A day later, an 11-year-old boy was found dead in Chatham, south of Springfield. On Feb. 18, a father found his 11-year-old daughter hanging from a clothing hook in a closet of their Chicago home..

I found these stories, and many more just by searching for the word "bullying" at the abcnews website. I was amazed at how much there was just in the last few weeks. And that's just at one newssource.

Quaid,
you asked, "what do you say to/how do you coach, a bullied child? Punch back? Let the teacher know? etc.

Wow, what a question. If you look at the websites I linked to they give good advice, but you asked me so here goes...

The following is directed to the teacher/coach/youth leader/adult

First: Care. Seriously. Notice and care. Don't blow it off.

Second, if you witness it, stop it. If you witness, even a hint of it step in and squish it like a bug.

Third, Tell the kid you care. Show them you care. Listen to him or her. Be a friend. Your encouraging words could keep that kid from killing himself for one more day.

Fourth, the best thing to do for that kid is to use your power as an adult to save them. Punish the bully (if you are the teacher). Talk to the bully. (Maybe the bully needs help too!) Call in the parents of both bully and bullied. (Seperately of course.) Report it to administration.

Fifth, tell your team/class as that as the coach/teacher you will not tolerate bullying.

And finally, after all that, what do you tell the child?
1. I care.
2. You are important. You have good qualities. (and then, Tell them what they are. Specifically. They will cling to those good words for weeks, maybe even years.)
3. Report it to me, or to another adult immediately. Every single time. And never stop reporting it. Tell your parents. Tell them every time it happens.
4. Stay out of situations where there are no adults. If there are no adults on that playground, or in that locker room, or in that classroom and even in the bathroom. GET OUT of there!!!!
5. If they try to hurt you, try to escape. If you can't escape, fight back like an unleashed demon. Go berzerk. Yell, scream, growl, bite, claw, smash, hit and kick. Seriously. Scare the hell out of them at the very least, and hurt them back if you have to, to make them stop.
6. And finally, spend time with friends. Make friends, and hang with them a lot. But make sure they are real friends who love you for who you are.

My church youth group saved my life...I believe, literally.

I may need to turn this into a post or an article one day... :) Thanks for asking.

Man. Fifth grade.

Also - Quaid, in re-reading my past comment I come across as really combative. That wasn't my intention - I hope I haven't offended.

A question: did you guys in 249 ever deal with kids struggling through bullying? Just wondering if that ever came up.

I wasn't really bullied - certainly not to the extent that others have recounted here and what they have linked to. I was made fun of, at times, but who isn't? (even as adults)

Here's a follow-up question:
If you saw your child being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it, what do you do? If suicide/bullycide is as plausible as you say, how do you prevent that, as a parent?

I am not so shocked at all of this. Having taught in a middle school environment for several years, I can say that sometimes, the adults honestly don't see the actual bullying going on. However, if it's brought to the schools attention by parents, as in this case, it should definitely be dealt with quickly, and with force (not corporal, but forceful nonetheless).

On a different note. Everyone has mentioned how the child being bullied needs to be loved, and cared for, and all. I agree. DEFINITELY. But, as was noted in a comment where the bully turned out to be homosexual as an adult... do the bullies need some extra love too? Would the preventative action of loving them put an end to the bullying more than force or punishment?
I'm just saying, a lot of those kids, they are have just as much self-esteem problems, poor parental involvement, etc... as the kids bullied. Difference is that they react differently. Rather than turning to books/fantasy/grade acheivement etc..., they turn to bullying. Again. I'm not condoning their actions, but just wondering if they themselves need some of that "good attention".

So sad.

Both of my children have been bullied at times the teachers have known and dealt with it but most of the time the teachers are clueless. It also seems to make things harder on the poor kid that comes forward.


The son of a friend was a bully and my son was in his path for awhile. It broke her heart to have a kid who treated people like he did.

As parents we need to be aware of both sides of the kid.

Whitney,

Everyone has mentioned how the child being bullied needs to be loved, and cared for, and all. I agree. DEFINITELY. But, as was noted in a comment where the bully turned out to be homosexual as an adult... do the bullies need some extra love too?

In a sense, I agree with you. Everyone's bad behavior goes back to "issues" of some sort (original sin, if nothing else). But, looking back on my own experience, and that of many of my friends, I would say that 100% of the time, the bullies are the ones who, to all appearances, have everything going for them -- the big, athletic guys, the pretty, rich girls, the ones everybody (except their victims) want to be or to be with. Yeah, there were a few kids from poor or broken families that everyone was sort of scared of, but by and large they weren't the real problem. The real perpretrators were the well-adjusted social adepts.

I supposed they have their problems, too, but their victims generally moreso. Priority number one has to be to stop the bullying, because we don't want another kid ending up like Carl. I'm all for talking heart-to-heart with the bully, but only after the bullying has stopped.

Quaid asked:
Here's a follow-up question:
If you saw your child being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it, what do you do? If suicide/bullycide is as plausible as you say, how do you prevent that, as a parent?

No one else has answered this question yet, and I hope someone else will...

Here's mine:

I'd pull them out of school. I would not send my child back to the battlefield day after day after day.

Frankly, that's part of the reason we are are sacrificing a lot to send our kids to a small private Christian school. (I know, no one needs to say that doesn't mean they won't be bullied. But I believe it lessens the chances.)

There's probably some secondary things I'd be doing. Talking to the bully's parents, teaching my kid how to avoid being a target etc... But primarily I'd pull them out of that school.

And you know if we had a real voucher system, or parents were allowed to decide where their property tax went or if we had a fully privatized school system...pulling my kid out would be a punishment to the school that didn't respond to bullying and a reward to the school that does. (Capitalism and competition baby. :)

Scott, right on. Yes, what do you do if the bully's parents don't care or are problems themselves? Tough stuff.

I wonder if it is time to abandon public schools?

For fear of getting flamed, I've refrained from wondering this aloud or in this space...but I wonder the same thing.

I have an idea that would work a little differently than just defunding all public schools...I would like to see a bill passed where property owners can designate which school (private or public) that their property tax money goes to. I think genuine competition would fix a lot of things. Of course, in a way, that would turn all schools into private school...

I attended a small, private Christian school and saw some awful examples of bullying. These posts have brought to mind a couple of kids I knew, one in particular, and made me wonder "how often did he think of taking his own life?" So I'll be the one to say don't assume that just because your child isn't in public school that bullying won't be an issue. In some private schools, not fitting in can be even worse than in a larger public school where there might at least be one or two kids that you have something in common with simply due to the odds of larger numbers. But if you're being bullied in whatever kind of school, then I'd agree moving the kid to a different school is better than keeping them in a known bad situation.

To second Karl and Ancient Mariner. I spent my entire childhood in mortal fear of bullies. High school was the worst, and I went to a private, religious boarding academy. Rage and irrational hate permeate every institution and private schools are not a solution to this problem.

Now I am an elementary teacher and can testify that teachers are virtually helpless in many of these situations. It is complicated by kids themselves who, when they find a sympathetic ear in the teacher become bullies themselves by using the teacher as a weapon. In short, they sometimes lie. I've had many situations where I've gone after a "bully" with all guns firing, only to find out that the "victim" exacerbated the situation themselves by taunting the "bully" into an attack that they could then report.

Stuff is never as black and white as you think, and before you criticize the teacher (who often has no administrative, parental, or even peer support) walk in his/her shoes for a year. I've had kids bullied by students from other classrooms and the teacher was just like those parents mentioned earlier who say, "My child wouldn't do that."

In addition, these bullies are adept at what they do. They know how to play the teacher and the system, as well as their victims.

It can get unbelievably complicated.

Quaid,
Are you there? Are we cool? I hope you didn't take my response as combative either.

FWIW, I think you asked a valid question. I can see how someone would look at this and see it as being akin to parents blaming Ozzy's "Suicide Solution" song or Metallica's "Fade to Black" for their kid's suicide. Sometimes people just want someone else to blame other than their own loved one. It seems to make the grief easier.

And who knows? In some of those cases of "bullycide" it may be the case that parents are blaming bullying when there's really more to it.

But for the most part, I totally believe it. If you read some of those stories, the evidence is pretty compelling. At least it is to me. (But then I'm not unbiased. :)

Just speaking for myself, it's only because of bad theology that I didn't kill myself because of bullying. (And that would have been the only reason.) For anyone reading this, who might be thinking of committing suicide, DON'T. It will only hurt the people who love you most.

Sorry if this has been covered ... I didn't read all of the comments, but I promise to do so.

I've been getting involved with Bully Free NH here in (you guessed it) New Hampshire, and stories like this are only extreme in the outcome. I know, because I was bullied as a kid. (And, yes, called gay. After all, I have a lisp and didn't have a girlfriend.)

I admit that I've been lax until now, but what set me off was when my son was dragged across the school's lawn, wrapped in a jump rope.

My answer to your question -- yes, bullying should be a legal matter. My son was assaulted. If it had happened two hours later in the day, it would have been the police, not the principal, handling the matter.

Bullying victims are a captive audience, because they can't just leave the situation. They have to be in school. Bullies are generally not the sharpest tools in the shed, but they are clever enough in choosing their targets.

Thanks for this post.

Wickle,
Thanks for your comment.

Some of my bullying happened in Londonderry, New Hampshire. (I was in the 4th grade.) All of my extended family still lives in New Hampshire. I am very interested in how the Gospel is doing there. I remember it as a very spiritually dead place. But I know there are some good churches there doing some good work.

Anyway, I am praying for your son now. I know you don't need me to tell you this... but please, please rescue your son from that hell.

What does Bully Free NH do? What does your involvement mean? I'm very interested.

I went and checked out your blog btw. It's very good.