A little boy lays crying in his bed. He doesn't want to get up and go to school today. He knows that he'll receive a beating today. Probably one before school, and definitely one after. It doesn't matter what he does. He can try and avoid his tormentor, but sooner or later, he'll be seen and then the punishment will begin.
He's had his hair pulled. He's been pushed down countless times. Hit in the face. Kicked in the stomach. Forced to do humiliating things. He's been left sobbing after a beating in the bathroom afraid to come out, but knowing that if he stays in there too long someone will come looking for him to beat him some more anyway.
Somehow, some way he's going to be beat up today. Either physically or psychologically. But every day is an ordeal. And there's no one to tell.
The abuse isn't just physical. It's verbal too. They tell him he's weak. They tell him he's not good enough. They tell him he doesn't deserve to live. They make fun of him. He's tried to dress differently. Comb his hair differently. But it doesn't matter. The harder he tries to please them, the worse the abuse gets.
The pattern of the abuse is typical. The abuser hurts him. Then the abuser apologizes or makes nice. The boy is lulled into a false sense of security. The boy figures the abuse was just his own fault anyway. As long as he doesn't make anymore mistakes, there will be no more punishment. But then it happens again... and again and again. And it's always the same. Punishment, apologies, let's be friends. Punishment, apologies, let's be friends. The boy is willing to do ANYTHING to make the abuser happy and avoid punishment. And never really figures out that it's not possible, or that the abuse really isn't his own fault.
He hates himself. He hates his life. He wants to die. Maybe he can kill them? Maybe he can kill himself? "That would show em!" he thinks. But fortunately he's too scared to go through with it. They remain fantasies in the mind of a tormented little boy.
He tries to act like it's no big deal. After all, this is normal, right? He's been told it's normal. But it doesn't feel normal. The other kids at school don't all get treated like this. Why can't he be like them?
It started around the time he started school and continued until he left home.
One day in the 4th grade, he started beating his own head against the wall in a desperate plea for attention. A teacher stopped him. The boy just cried, "I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself." But nothing happened. No help was given. Except for a few moments of sympathy, nothing changed.
Once in the 8th grade, he fought back. He had had enough and in a screaming rage, he tried to strangle his abuser. But it didn't work either. The authorities intervened briefly, but after a few days, everything went back to normal.
He's grown up now. But to this day, he doesn't think anyone really understands or cares about the horrors of his childhood. Is he just being a whiner? Why can't he just get over it?
Now I don't want to play tricks with you the reader, but I wanted to make a point. Here it is:
The boy was me. Everything you read above is true. Only my abusers weren't my parents. They were my peers. I was a victim of bullying.
I just decided yesterday that bullying is another form of child abuse and should be labeled as such. It's taken me decades to figure out why I still bear the scars. Now I think I finally know.
Recently I saw a news story that some laws against bullying are being considered. It's about damn time.
- Michael Horton
Trackback URL: http://thinklings.org/bloo.trackback.php/4547.
You know in the end grown-ups who cared was really what I needed most back then. Thanks Milly. I know you would have been one.
But how as grown-ups can we help these kids now?
I wish I knew. I may write a post on that one day...
Did you know you could confess online at: http://iconfessmyself.blogspot.com
Phil
I know as a parent it's easy to "miss" things. Especially if your child is ashamed of what he/she is going through.
But, in general, I think parents usually know if their child is doing well or not - are they happy? Interested in school? Withdrawn? Do they come home with bruises? Etc.
I think parents need to do everything they can to find out what's going on, and to protect their kids if need be. I don't think it's our job to keep our kids safe from everything - they need to experience things. But I once heard someone defend keeping kids in Junior high. He said "Life is hard, they need to learn that".
My response to that, in my head, was unprintable.
Yes, kids need to learn the basic ups and downs of life: that some people won't like them, that people can be difficult, that they might get in a scuffle now and then, that they need to learn how to get along, etc.
But there's no other time in life other than in elementary, junior high, and sometimes high school, where you can be stuffed in a locker, humiliated, given a swirlie, tormented, beaten, every single day and the person doing it has no consequences.
Getting them ready for life? Give me a break. If someone thinks it's ok for a kid to be tormented every single day because it will "teach him about life", I'll be glad to come to their place of work every day and pull their underwear up over their head in the mother of all wedgies, and see how much they "learn".
I'm not sure how I feel about laws about bullying, only because I think the school admins should be taking care of that (do we really need to arrest 12 year olds?) But I'm not decided.
Those wounds and the messages they bear run deep. Often they are still there in spite of being saved and assenting to propositional truth about who one is in God's eyes.
In addition to protection and comfort for such kids, the church badly needs the ministry of healing for adults - to bring to bear in loving community Jesus' words that He came to heal and bind the wounds of the brokenhearted. To replace the lies of the enemy with the truth of God's love and your worth in His eyes in experiential, not just propositional ways.
I wasn't picked on in school. I was friends with pretty much everyone. I got good grades and was the best athlete in my class so the bullies left me alone. I would be nice to the picked-on kids when I interacted with them, and hated seeing them get picked on. But what haunts me is that I didn't do more - that I didn't go out of my way to befriend those kids, nor to stick up for them when they were being picked on. I would go by on the other side of the hallway, gym or locker room not wanting to get involved, like the religious leaders in the parable of the good Samaritan.
Dare I put forth the idea that, if a child isn't getting bullied, but sees someone that is, he should step up? Or rather, that children (I don't have any yet, so saying "our children" doesn't quite seem genuine) should be taught not only that it's okay, but that they should feel almost obligated to do it? I mean, not always strictly with violence, but at the same time, sometimes physical effort is the only way to stop it.
Certainly standing up in a verbal manner should be done. I know that I would have appreciated people standing up to the jerks giving me constant put-downs would have been nice.
The biggest concern to me is that someone stopping a bully is more likely to be punished, and more severely, than the bully. It's the same mentality that lets people breaking into a house sue the homeowner for injuring them in defense, or falling down the stars. It's all backwards.
Remember also, verbal abuse and bullying can hurt just as much, if not more. Feeling alone stinks, royally. I'm just thankful to God that I had, and have, solid friends who saw me through.
KD, I think that's a much needed idea to convey. I was in a position where I could have stuck up for bullied kids, but didn't really do so. I was taught not to bully, to empathize with people who were different from me and put myself in their shoes, to set a good example by treating others with respect and kindness. I followed all of that.
But I was also taught not to get in fights, to be a peacemaker, to obey school rules and stay out of trouble. Nobody bothered to mention possible exceptions to those rules, and say "simply not being the bully yourself isn't enough. It's your duty to stick up for the bullied ones even if that means you might end up in trouble at school or in an altercation with a bully." I think I kind of felt that deep down inside, but I was a child myself, and it might have helped me to sort it all out and get over my reticence at getting involved/rocking the boat, etc. if an adult had spelled it out for me in that way.
I think that, if my kid got in trouble for fighting a bully to get them off someone, I wouldn't punish them. I'd take them out for ice cream. Not to reward the violence, but to reward the mettle to stand up for someone else.
That's something I don't see much in our society, except in flashy action movies, typically with unrealistic babes involved as well. In real life, it's not so "cool". That also needs communicated.
I've been there, Phillip, and I know what you're talking about. If adults in authority over children can't find a way to protect them, then I'm not sure what use they are.
Then there's the other side where a kid decided to accuse my son of doing the bullying and it was later proven that he wasn't. The little boy was just crying out for some attention, I guess. Needless to say, our family was a little shocked that all it took was one kids' word and it didn't seem to matter that my son said it wasn't true until there were other kids and a teacher there that said it wasn't true. My son almost ended up with the "bully" label, and if you knew my kid, you'd know just how ridiculous that was.
My son has been a victim of bullying. I spoke to the guy who led the math program for the group, he didn’t seem too surprised at what I told him. One of the boys involved is a good friend of mine’s son. She’s hurt that he acts like that. It takes parents to teach the kids that being nasty little jerks is wrong. My son is in all advanced classes this year and things seem to be better. Still I’m sure he has to deal with those ugly children. Most schools have zero tolerance but it’s only as good as the teachers are. Lots of stuff happens behind their backs.
Damn strait we need change.
Some things come to mind that we can do as adults
Pay attention. Of course with your won kids, but not only with your own kids. I think teaching your kids to stand up is a good thing, but showing them how to stand up for the underdog is absolutely needed. That means first paying attention so we can see what's happening.
Listen. I was bullied a bit, though as time went on it seemed to lessen for me. My perspective is that kids like that need adults that will just listen and sympathize. I mean all the 'toughen up' and 'welcome to the real world' comments may have a ring of truth to them, but frankly what the bullied kid hears is 'I don't care'. Shut up and hear the kid out, nod your head, give 'em a hug and cry with them. Let them know that you think it sucks too.
Act. Part of that is intervention, but I wonder if a bigger part is just doing stuff with them. Take them to a movie or shopping or a car show or whatever. You show them that they are valuable. Another side is getting other kids to act too, not so much in stepping in the middle of the bullying but in just being their friend. Our Lord says that Love covers a multitude of sins. If these kids are loved, I bet they will acquire the strength to endure.
The last charge I'll give is to those who were once bullied. We know what it's like to be on the outside, to not be believed, to be belittled and put down. Look around you. There are many adults like that today. They're hurting, and folks don't believe or understand their perspective or what they're going through. They feel alone with their thoughts. Watch for them and listen to them and believe them and be their friend. I think folks who are bullied are in a unique position to help those people. Of course, sometimes the bullied are to wounded to become the healer, but if they can they should.
I was bullied a bit in school. There were days that I dreaded going to school but nothing to the extent you were Phillip. I had a notion before finishing what you wrote that this child was you. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what you carry now because of that. I pray that the Lord has blessed you with grace to forgive whoever bullied you and has healed your wounds.
As an adult we listen to what our children's friends say. If things are not good at that friends home our kids will tell us. They know that we will open our home to their friends if there is a need. We provide a safe place. So far it hasn't caused anyone any trouble.
I don't know if any of our children's friends has both parents at home and if they do I think it is more likely that one will be a step parent. This is a constant reminder of how bent and broken we are from original sin.
I couldn't talk to my dad when I had trouble in high school but I did cry and poor my heart out to my mom. She had no idea what to do.
When my son entered high school I told him to never start a fight and to do everything he could to walk away from one. I told him to never throw the first punch and walk away. If someone punched him as he was walking away he had my full support to end the fight any way he could.
I think laws should be changed but they need to address the lack of parenting or type of parenting the bully is subject to. This behavior is too often learned by example or by being abandoned and not knowing or learning better.
It is a very difficult situation.
I feel like a heel. Brian reminded me I answered your question, but I failed to acknowledge your own hurt. I failed to do what I said we all should do.
I'm sorry. I guess I don't remember well enough how it felt to be picked on.
Philip, I read your post yesterday and I was so grieved that I really didn't know what to say. What could I say, except that I am so sorry you had to endure that pain growing up.
Thanks for sharing your vulnerability and asking tough questions. As a new parent, I pray that I pay close attention to my child(ren) to know if they are suffering this level of pain or, God forbid, inflicting it. And I also pray to be aware of the children in my kid's life who may be suffering or inflicting in order to help.
Every day for two years, in five classes a day, I got "You're fat. You're stupid. We hate you. You're ugly." and on and on and on. The only reason I wasn't physically assaulted is because they knew my bigbrother would kill them if they did. But the words. never. Stopped. They would even whisper things during class where only I could hear them...
I came home crying every day. I wanted to die. My mom - who is generally awesome by the way - thought I needed to toughen up and not let them know it hurt and they would go find someone else. As I finally made clear about 20 years later - if I had been able to do that they wouldn't have picked me in the first place.
I really believe that moving to another state kept me from taking my own life. I could not have taken four more years of that.
I honestly don't know how parents help it other than yank the kid out and either homeschool them or put them in another school.
Serious question to all reading.
Were any of you bullies?
This is a good place and time and audience before which to confess and repent.
I know there are much worse cases than mine, but I can sympathize with most of the examples posted.
However, something hit me hard a couple years ago when I returned to my parents home for a visit. My Dad & I were driving somewhere and happened to pass a city worker working on some fire hydrants. He looked familiar to me and I asked my Dad who that was. It turns out it was Kenny, the guy that used to bully me most as a kid.
At first I felt a sort of vengence and pride. After all, he ended up as a lowly sanitation worker stuck in the same dying town I grew up in, with no education and little future. I, on the other hand, got my degree, became successful, etc.
But then my Dad told me some things I never knew. Kenny's dad was a severe alcoholic. He and his mother were often separated, and there were numerous calls of domestic abuse to the local police department. Kenny's adult life had been more of the same - arrested for meth possession, divorced, wife and kids moved away for a better life.
And then shame hit me a little. Yes, what Kenny did as a kid was wrong. It left me with some scars as well. But what I didn't know at the time, and it would likely have been impossible to convince me of, was that Kenny's abuse was probably worse than mine. Furthermore, God's gift to me of loving parents helped me largely escape negative long term consequences, where Kenny's situation will likely go on generation after generation.
I'm not excusing what Kenny did. My personality typically trends much more towards justice than mercy, which I often have to pray about. But I think God maybe put Kenny on the side of the road that day to show me that forgiveness of others is necessary, and often more deserved than we believe.
I konw a man who was penalized in school. You see, "it takes two to tango" and in that school if there was a fight both parties were suspended, even if the one being bullied never threw a punch.
This is a problem.
Wow, that brings back memories.
I had an older brother who beat me up every day. And I do mean every day. Humiliation? I had socks stuffed into my mouth. Consequences? The parents did nothing 90% of the time, screamed at us both 5% of the time, and beat the tar out of my brother 5% of the time. Of course, all my brother remembers is the last 5%, not the other 95% ... according to him, I'm the evil one. To this day he hardly speaks to me. We're both in our 40's now ...
I learned never to want anything because it was a given that I wouldn't get it. I stopped knowing what I wanted because there was this certainty: whatever it was I wouldn't get it, and I would get hurt trying. Took me a long time to get my head on straight.
Yah, not every abuser is an adult.
Thanks for posting that. It took guts.
Take care & God bless
WF
They guy I remember as my primary bully in school eventually grew up to "come out of the closet" as a homosexual, and later died (I am informed) of AIDS.
It appears he was beating up smaller kids to prove his manhood to himself.
Somehow knowing that made it easier to forgive him, for me.
Which isn't to say somebody shouldn't have stopped him.
Bill wrote:
I'm not sure how I feel about laws about bullying, only because I think the school admins should be taking care of that (do we really need to arrest 12 year olds?) But I'm not decided.
Yeah, I get ya. I wondered the same thing. But it seems that the bullying laws are really just requirements that schools and school administrators to have anti-bullying policies in place.
The anti-bullying laws aren't meant to put 12 yr old bullys in jail. (Though some of them deserve it!)
Karl wrote:
I would be nice to the picked-on kids when I interacted with them, and hated seeing them get picked on. But what haunts me is that I didn't do more - that I didn't go out of my way to befriend those kids, nor to stick up for them when they were being picked on. I would go by on the other side of the hallway, gym or locker room not wanting to get involved, like the religious leaders in the parable of the good Samaritan.
I know you were just a kid too Karl. A kind-hearted kid interested in self-preservation. And believe me, you being nice to them when you were, meant the world. Those few moments of niceness from someone is what made life bearable. We clung to those moments like you may never understand.
Thank you for that.
For what it's worth, Karl, I forgive you. :) I don't know if I can do that on behalf of the picked on kids you walked by or not, but I will anyway. and in so doing, I forgive all those who passively allowed bullying to happen to me.
Knight's Disciple wrote:
Dare I put forth the idea that, if a child isn't getting bullied, but sees someone that is, he should step up? Or rather, that children should be taught not only that it's okay, but that they should feel almost obligated to do it? I mean, not always strictly with violence, but at the same time, sometimes physical effort is the only way to stop it.
Certainly standing up in a verbal manner should be done. I know that I would have appreciated people standing up to the jerks giving me constant put-downs would have been nice.
The biggest concern to me is that someone stopping a bully is more likely to be punished, and more severely, than the bully.
Right on Bro. Several of you talked about that in this thread. And I think that's awesome. Not only should we as parents help our kids who are bullied, and teach our children not to bully others, but to be heroes - and stand up to Bullys.
AWESOME!!!!
Karl said in response,
Nobody bothered to mention possible exceptions to those rules, and say "simply not being the bully yourself isn't enough. It's your duty to stick up for the bullied ones even if that means you might end up in trouble at school or in an altercation with a bully."
I agree. I hope that I am a discerning enough parent that I don't punish my child inappropriately if he is sticking up for himself or someone else.
Lars Walker wrote:
I've been there, Phillip, and I know what you're talking about. If adults in authority over children can't find a way to protect them, then I'm not sure what use they are.
That's how I felt too. Oh, and we would have been friends in school dude. I'm also sorry for what you went through.
GinH wrote:
Then there's the other side where a kid decided to accuse my son of doing the bullying and it was later proven that he wasn't.
In reading resources and testimonials online lately I've learned that this is another tactic of the actual bully - to tell teachers and parents that the victim is the bully.
I can see how all this would be very confusing for teachers.
Milly wrote:
My son has been a victim of bullying. Most schools have zero tolerance but it’s only as good as the teachers are. Lots of stuff happens behind their backs.
I'm sorry Milly. That's tough. Please love on your son. (I know you do.) And speaking as one who's been there, don't ever assume it's over. Even if he's not telling you about it, doesn't mean it's not happening. And, at least for me, a different school or a different group made no difference.
I seemed to have a big visible-only-to-kids sign on me that said, "Pick on me, I'm a nerd" everywhere I went. I hope for your son, that it's over.
And yeah, I'm sure it's tough for teachers. I know no teacher WANTS kids to be bullied. We all just need to be more vigilant...and CARE!
The old "That's just life, learn to deal with it" line is bogus. There are laws that protect grown-ups from such treatment "in the real world", but if one kid does it to another kid, it's OK? That makes no sense.
Assault, false imprisonment, Slander, Verbal Abuse, Defamation of Character are wrong even if it's one kid doing it to another.
It's so hard to be a kid who's going through this.
Praying for changes