I'm on liveblog duty tonight. There'll be a slight delay as I watch my recorded version, but who are we kidding? You're not reading the post live as you watch anyway.

Stay tuned for the brilliance that is LOST and the obliviousness that is my recap . . .


Sawyer curses.

Jin wants to stay to find Sun. Sawyer says he won't leave if he knows Sun is on the island; he promises. Aw, what a sweetheart.

Sayid and Claire (aka Tweedledum and Tweedleplumcrazy) show up with the train of temple refugees.

Flash...? sideways?
Sawyer is knocking the boots.
He's late for something. He curses again.

Is that Tiffany Amber Thiessen?

She wants to know what all the money is.
Then she pulls out a gat. This is a Snoop Dogg video all a sudden.

"You're a lousy con man."
"LeFleur."
"Le-what?"

Cops bust in. One of them is Halley Joel Osment.
Sawyer is apparently a cop. Wow.

(commercial)

Back at beach.
Claire is fawning over baby clothes. Or something that looks like a plush Tusken Raider.

Fauxlocke is rallying the troops. "It was a long and traumatic night for all of us."
(Fauxlocke's manboobs get more prominent each week. Anybody else notice that? Somebody needs a bro.)

Kate to Sawyer: "So you're with Locke now."
Sawyer: "I'm not with anybody."

Flash . . . foragonal?

Sawyer the Cop is on phone calling perps or something. There is some continuity with the island timeline as neither Island Sawyer nor Officer Sawyer can manage to button the top couple of buttons on their shirts.

I am not understanding how all the characters interact in different scenarios in the flash-bazonkawayses. Shouldn't they have individual lives un-intersected with previous castaways?

Back to the island:

FauxLocke is a very amiable tour guide.

He's also chagrined at Sawyer. But he tells him, "I'm the smoke thing."

Okay, we knew that already. We need real answers to real questions. What are the numbers? Is Jacob good? Are Nicki and Paulo really dead?

FauxLocke wants Sawyer to do recon on Hyrda Island. (Best "GI Joe" episode ever.)

(commercial)

Officer Sawyer is at a bar or restaurant or something. He spots a rib cage with red hair at the table.
It's CS Lewis!

She's an archaeologist, or so she says. "I'm exactly like Indiana Jones."
Sawyer: "You got a whip?"
Lewis: "Maybe."
Brown chicken brown cow.

Now they're having a heart to heart.

Sawyer: "I guess I got to a point in my life where I was gonna be a criminal or a cop. And I chose cop."

It's getting hawt.

Afterglow. Sawyer strokes Lewis's backbones.

Watership Down makes a cameo.

Lewis forages through his dresser. Pulls out notebooks. Kinda snoopy there, ain't ya, Clive?

Sawyer is hacked. Kicks her out. Always winter, never Christmas.

Back to the island:
Sawyer reaches Hydra Island, I guess? He sees the cage he and Kate did the shimmy shake in.

Back to main island:
Claire takes a knife to Kate. Sayid blithely watches.
FauxLocke intervenes. Smacks Claire.
Maybe FauxLocke is good.

There's some freaky juju going down among the Losties.

(I miss Jack.)

Back to Hydra:
Sawyer discovers the downed Flight Ajira aircraft.
There's an abandoned campfire. He feels the wood.
Plane looks like it's in pretty good shape for a crash landing.

He discovers dead bodies. Hears someone running around behind him. Pulls his 9. Yells for them to stop.
Who is it? Dr. Melfi from Sopranos?

"Who are you?"
"I'm the only one left."

(commercials, including a pathetic Windows 7 spot. why do these people keep trying to take credit for Windows 7? just so everyone knows, it wasn't my idea. but thanks to these ads, you know who to blame when the blue screen of death pops up.)

Police station.
Some dude asks Sawyer for help finding his brother.
"Not my department."

Halley Joel Osment slams Sawyer against the lockers. A wedgie comes next.

There is anger. Sawyer is called out for traveling to Australia on Oceanic 815.

Miles: "What were you doing in Oz?"
Sawyer: "That's none of your durn business."

Sawyer looks in the mirror. SYMBOLISM ALERT. Then he breaks it.

Back to Hydra:
Dr. Melfi's real name is Zoe.

Wait, wait -- I redub Dr. Melfi "Homeless Tina Fey."

She's telling some story about a plane crash and waiting for rescue. She was collecting wood when she heard screaming. When she came back, they were all dead. She dragged their bodies to that one spot.

Sawyer: "I can take you back to the island to others."
Homeless Tina Fey: "Thank God."
Sawyer: "Trust me. God's got nothing to do with it."

Back to main island:
FauxLocke apologizes to Kate about the story he told Claire about the Others taking her baybay. (Maybe the dingoes ate her baybaby.)

FauxLocke: "I promised I'd keep everyone safe. And that includes you too, Kate."

Okay, see, now I think he's bad. He's seeming too good to not be bad.

Hydra Island:
Sawyer's asking HTF if she thinks the plane would fly. (Because there's plenty of room to take off on the beach, of course.)

"You're good sweetheart, but you're not that good." Sawyer knows HTF is a conwoman.

Suddenly there's a militia. Got Sawyer on his knees. (I'm sensing some common themes in this episode.)

Sawyer: "Take me to your leader."

(commercial)

Main island.
FauxLocke and Kate are twinkies!

Note: I'm going to stop calling him FauxLocke b/c there is no "real" Locke any more. Right? I've understood that much, I think.)

Smokey the Bore is telling Kate some story about his crazy mom. He's telling her this story b/c Aaron's mom -- that would be Claire, for those of you playing at home -- is crazy too.

Hydra:
Sawyer is led by the militia to the submarine dock. (This reminds me much of a Gilligan's Island episode.)

"Get in," Homeless Tina Fey says. "He's waiting for you."
Sawyer climbs into the sub.

Flash-cattycorner:
Officer Sawyer is making a Hot Pocket or something. He's watching "Little House on the Prairie," starring future SAG president Melissa Gilbert and ex Mormom football player Merlin Olsen. Also, Michael Landon.

He shows up at CS Lewis's house with a sunflower. She's not buying his Casanova act.

Back to Hydra:
HTF leads Sawyer down the sub hallway and to . . . Charles Widmore.

Widmore looks very Locke-ish. Am I just noticing this? (The answer is yes.)

Fun fact: The guy who plays Widmore also played the grumpy grandfather on "The O.C." (Californiaaaaaaa.)

"Here's the deal, chief," Sawyer says. "I'll go back and tell them the coast is clear. Then I'll bring the old man to your doorstep. Then you can kill him."

Widmore: "Waht do you want in exchange?"

Sawyer: "The people who came from my group don't get hurt. And we get off the island."

Bargaining with the devil, it seems like. But Widmore agrees. They even shake on it.

Locke is going down.

(commercial. Including one for "Flash Forward" which should've been called "Pathetic Attempt to Cash in On 'Lost'".)

Island.
Kate and Claire meet again. (Is it terrible that I'd be cool with crazy Claire the future cat lady offing Kate?)

Instead she hugs Kate. (Stab her in the back!)
Kate says, "It's okay." (It's a real "Good Will Hunting" moment. It wasn't your fault!)

Sawyer returns. Locke is interrogating him. Sawyer spills beans about Widmore.
I am really lost now. Is he a double conner? Is this like "The Sting"? (Or "The Sting 2"?)

He tells Locke what he told Widmore. Locke appreciates his loyalty.

Looks like Saywer has cast his lot in with Locke.
"You said you'd get me off this island. A deal's a deal."

Flash-cattywampus:
Sawyer and Halley Joel in a car.

Sawyer spills the beans about his dad and past in general.

A car hits them. They give chase. It's getting all "Starsky and Hutch" up in this mug.

Tackle. Big reveal.
It's Kate!

Sawyer curses.

Back to island:
Sawyer tells Kate about Widmore by the campfire. He reveals a schemey scheme. Then they sing "Kum Ba Yah." (Just kidding.)

No, he says he's gonna play Widmore and Locke against each other, and while they're duking it out, the Losties can jet.

He says they're gonna take the sub.

Cue ominous music.

LOST!

Preview of next week says they'll tell us Richard's story.