I'm 99.9 percent sure Noah's ark has not been found. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go here.)

For one, the "ark" was found by evangelicals. I'm an evangelical. I can tell you with certainty we don't have the experience or archaeological expertise to find the ark. No way. Potlucks? Yes, we can do that with precision. Indiana Jones-esque exploratory discovery? Forget about it.

For two, the carbon dating of the "ark" supposedly dates it at like 4,800 years old. Puh-lease! Like a real ark discovery would really buttress the whole Young Earth theory.

For three, Jack T. Chick would never allow it. The Pope and the Church of Satan are in cahoots to hide the whereabouts of Noah's wessel (pardon my Chekov accent), and if you don't believe it, just buy one of his tracts at your local Christian megastore.

For four, the "discoverers" claim they found a perfectly preserved 1611 King James Bible resting comfortably in Noah's sleeping quarters, thus proving that Jimmy's translation is God's perfect Word.

Ok, just kidding about that last one.