I am pretty sure that God actually did specifically intend my husband and I for each other. We lived in separate states, and when we were 15 my father tried out for a preaching job at the congregation my destined husband was a member of. Dad got the job offer, but then had to decline for family health reasons. Had he taken it, DH and I would have been neighbors. Two years later we moved to a different town in Designated Husband's state, about three hours north. DH moved up to our town and we met in Sunday School, and sparks flew. They weren't always nice sparks, and we parted on poor terms. We both moved away, got involved with other people (I got engaged, he left his faith behind him and got involved in some ugly stuff)- when we were 20 and slightly more grown up, we ended up back in the same town one summer and suddenly, everything was right, and we were married a few weeks later. That was 23 years ago.
And all that anecdotal stuff is just by way of illustrating why I believe that even IF there is some special one person God has in mind for you, well then, God will make sure you get with that one person. It's not really something to fret about. And as you say, if you're married, God wants you to be with that person.
I think of Rachel, Leah, and Jacob- Jacob wanted Rachel, but he ended up with her sister Leah through an act of deception (and later got Rachel, too). He never loved her or cared about her, but I don't see God recommending divorce. Instead, He gives Leah the line of Judah, producing the Lion of Judah- in spite of the loveless state of that marital relationship, it was clearly the marriage God intended those two people to be in.

I'll shut up now. Good post.

Well, I have learned a little from my recent divorce, and research after the fact.

A marriage can stand almost anything but disdain. When one partner begins to hold the other in disdain, almost nothing can save the marriage. It happens very easily, and reversing it is more difficult than it might appear.

I believe the cure from the disdainer's side is humility and service, and from the disdainee's side is assertion - earning respect.

That said, marrying someone whom you will one day hold in disdain, or who will one day hold you in disdain is painful at best, and fatal at worst. Obviously, marrying an unbeliever will lead to this state of affairs almost without exception. IQ, values, teachability, athleticism, parenting, home care, money, politics, &cetera are all areas that can open big rifts, and lead to disdain.

I used to believe that two people who were willing to work honestly could build a marriage no matter where they started. I proved that wrong. One or the other mate will wear out. In our society, that ends in divorce. In our grandparents' society, it ended in a life of misery. Either way, it is ugly. I now place much more emphasis on the matching process.

Nothing can be added to your advice to become a good mate, though. Right on.

I loved the Star Trek NG episode in which a 20+ year old woman is kept isolated from all men and trained to be the perfect wife in a generic sense. When she finally meets "the man", she is to take on his imprint for life. Of course, she first meets Picard instead of the jerk to whom she is to be married, causing her to imprint for a hero but live with a moron. Cool tragedy there.

Having just met the man I will be marrying a few short months ago, I have to say that I do believe that God orchestrates our relationships, but it is often not how we imagine or want or think we need or expect. When I first met Beau, I wasn't blown away by him - there was no immediate spark of attraction (he's rather ordinary looking), no fluttery nervousness, no intense intellectual connection. Instead there was a quiet comfort at every level that grew with each meeting until he hugged me the first time - that's when the sparks ignited. By the time he kissed me the first time, I was certain that I was falling in love with him.

What's great is that we're both older, we've both been single a long time (he's 44, I'm 38), and God used our lonely, single years to grow us into the mates we each needed. We don't understand why it took so long for us to be ready for each other, but we're grateful that God did eventually see fit to put us together. I can't imagine my life without him now and I don't think I would have imagined that back when I was first introduced to him in January.

Is he my soulmate? Not in the Hollowood fashion, but in God's fashion.

Now, I completely agree with all of this, yeah? I totally see that the "soulmate" idea is at best a Hollywood myth and at worst a pagan one. But... isn't there something in the fact that so many people do "feel" that there's "something" "right" about their relationship with the person that they marry? And isn't it okay that this feeling should be one of the factors that affect their decision to marry the person? So... what do we do with that feeling or lack of it? Is it essential? Is it overrated? Is there anyone in this community who married without that and yet it still worked?

That question might have come out rather confusing, but it's a question that confuses an (unmarried) young chap like me...

I keep trying to think of something to say, but I'll refrain and say, "good post, old man."

Hang in there, guy. It's worth the wait to hold out for the right person.

If you marry the almost right person, you only save yourself a few years of loneliness in which you could have been refining yourself or exploring some life paths you have thought about. You will also buy to yourself years of agony being married to NOT the right person, if you don't end up divorced.

About 50 years ago, the story goes that that almost right person might have been willing to work with you until you both became the right people for each other. I don't know whether that worked then or not, but today it won't. Every day, every hour, our entire culture is telling you both that problems are incurable, and that divorce is an answer.

Really, pick a way that you want your life to be of service, and start doing it. God cares for the sparrows, and he cares how your heart hurts. He WILL take care of the rest.

Have you noticed how much our responses (and beliefs) on this issue are dictated by our personal experience?

This, perhaps more than many other theological questions, is severely colored by what has happened to us.

So in my opinion (which isn't worth much), the Bible never tells us to go seek "the one". He does however have a sovereign will, so I can see him working things out so that you marry a particular person. We need to be careful however, in reading "coincidences" as signs from God, I think.

We often interpret events in our lives as we want to interpret them.

I would concur with Kevin that great wisdom, and discernment should be used in deciding who we marry. There was great wisdom in your words, Kevin. Thank you.

What I was trying to combat with this post was the worldly notion that if our marriage isn't working, it was because we didn't marry our soulmate.

As far as marrying "the right person" goes, I would agree that we should try to marry the "right person", if the "right person" is defined as someone we love, who we are compatable with, who is a believer, who is on our same level of spiritual maturity (and many other considerations) etc...

If however, you define "right person" as one particular individual (out of the billions ever created), then I think you are headed down some dangerous road, both theologically and in reality.

Anonymous,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I'm going to take a stab at it now... (I hope you are still around.)

I totally see that the "soulmate" idea is at best a Hollywood myth and at worst a pagan one. But... isn't there something in the fact that so many people do "feel" that there's "something" "right" about their relationship with the person that they marry?

Maybe. But this should not be the primary factor. The Bible must be our primary guide regardless of how we feel. Also our emotions can be unreliable, fickle and deceptive. I think that every other source of authority for decision making should be considered above "feeling there is something right". The Bible, our minds, our prior experience, the advice of those who are trustworthy, our observations etc... should all carry more weight. "Feeling there is something right" could just be our own temporary happiness, or desires or even lust. I'm am constantly amazed by the human ability to deceive ourselves.

However, for some when they say "something feels right", what they mean is that all of those other sources of authority are collaborating together to point them in this direction. So I wouldn't write off "feeling", but I would consider everything else first.

And isn't it okay that this feeling should be one of the factors that affect their decision to marry the person?

I would say yes, as long as it is supplemantary, and not primary. I'm interpreting your meaning of "feeling" here, not as love or feelings for a person, but some indescribable intuition that marrying this person is the right thing to do. That being my understanding of your word feeling here, I would see that feeling as helpful in confirming what you've already decided based on all of your other sources of authority.

So... what do we do with that feeling or lack of it? ?

Wow. Good question. I think the feeling would be there for people who have decided they should marry this person, based on stronger sources of authority. If it's not there, I wouldn't worry too much except.... sometimes our subconscious has ways of telling us things. Perhaps there's something wrong, and your conscience mind isn't admitting it. If the feeling was totally absent, and that sort of thing is important to you, I might re-evaluate. But I'm not sure I would reccomend aborting a wedding based on that alone. On the other hand, I tell couples minutes before the wedding, that if either of them isn't 110% sure, then I tell them that I will go out and tell everyone to go home. No one has ever taken me up on that. But better to dissappoint 100 guests and the possible mother-in-law, than get divorced later.

Is it essential?
I don't think so. But some might disagree. I certainly don't see this in Scripture.

Is it overrated?
Possibly. Though I would say that this "feeling that it is right" is sometimes valuable because we can discern things without knowing why. For example, whenever I've had "a bad feeling" about someone, I've never been wrong. But I also recognize that my subconscious, based on prior experience is probably picking up on things that I can't readily identify. (Body language, habits, ways of speaking, patterns of behavior, similarity with other bad people etc...)

So I wouldn't necessarily discount such feelings, I just wouldn't trust it as a primary source.

Is there anyone in this community who married without that and yet it still worked
I'm still married... I don't know that I had the "feeling" you described. I was fairly certain I was doing the right thing however. And besides...I wanted to!

That question might have come out rather confusing, but it's a question that confuses an (unmarried) young chap like me...
These are great questions anonymous, young, unmarried chap!

I wonder is this hypothetical...or are you dealing with this right now? (You don't have to answer that!)
If you are considering marrying someone, and aren't sure just because you don't have some (possibly imaginary) feeling...then I would suggest talking to someone.

Find a trusted spiritual adviser. Tell them why you want to get married and why you want to marry this person. Ask them to explore your reasons with you. Though it is still your decision, ask them to be honest with you about whether you are getting married for the right reasons, and about the wisdom of your reasons. And discuss this lack of feeling with them. It may be that you are looking for something that's not necessary... OR
It may be that there's a problem with marrying this person, but most of you is so gung-ho about it, that you are having a hard time putting your finger on the reason. This spiritual adiviser you find may be able to help you pinpoint which it is.

If you aren't engaged or dating right now... I'd say that it's too early to worry about it.

Let me know if this helps or if it doesn't. And feel free to email me if you need to.

Love in Christ,
Phil (Shrode)

I said above whenever I've had "a bad feeling" about someone, I've never been wrong.

I probably should have said, "I'ved seldom been wrong".

Surely there are examples I can't remember of someone I thought was no good, who turned out to be wonderful. No one but God is infallible.