"Why do people choose the substitute over God himself? Probably the most important reason is that it obviates accountability to God. We can meet idols on our own terms because they are our own creations. They are safe, predictable, and controllable; they are, in Jeremiah's colorful language, the 'scarecrows in a cornfield' (10:5). They are portable and completely under the user's control. They offer nothing like the threat of a God who thunders from Sinai and whose providence in this world so often appears to us to be incomprehensible and dangerous . . . [People] need face only themselves. That is the appeal of idolatry."
- David F. Wells
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The other day on the way home from school while talking about actual punishment one of my boys had earned, I was getting irritated that the "not in trouble" son was pushing for severe punishment. So I made an off-hand remark that maybe we should take away the "in trouble" son's screen priviledges for a whole year. Whoops. The "in trouble" son doesn't understand sarcasm yet and thought I was serious. He lost his temper in a millisecond. As I was calming him down and trying to explain why I said that, I apologized to him and I thought, "So this is what that verse means."
We tell children that they should obey their parents, and indeed they should. The Bible makes it clear that it is for their own good. (Ephesians 6:1-3). But we parents should not fail to notice the responsibility that goes along with that. It is not obedience for its own sake, but for the sake of your kids. We are supposed to be giving them rules and instructions that will help their lives. Our children are gifts but not just for our amusement or so we can have someone to boss around.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).Another way to translate this is “Do not provoke your children to anger.” This certainly doesn’t mean that our children have to like everything we tell them or that we have to be afraid that rules will make them angry. Paul is talking about deliberately stirring them up. As parents, we shouldn’t lord our authority over our children or make them do things just because we can. Another way we do this, I think, is when we parade our children out as forced entertaiment like dancing, costumed chihuahuas every time company comes over.
Children should be allowed reasonable freedom, within boundaries. When we enforce rules inconsistently or use our authority in an unpredictable or seemingly unmotivated manner, it provokes them to anger, sometimes justifiably so. We don’t like to be treated that way, neither do our kids.
Our children need a steady, even-handed approach to discipline. In another place, Paul says,
“do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).Unnecessary rules, unreasonable standards and endless griping about petty things creates resentment and inner feelings of rebellion.
Instead of exasperating them, we are supposed to be bringing them up in the instruction of the Lord. In other words, if we aren’t teaching them to follow Jesus, we aren’t doing what God expects of parents. A literal translation of Ephesians 6:4 reads “nourish them in the instruction and discipline of the Lord.” This means teaching them regularly to follow Jesus, not only with our words but with our actions. Therefore we should be helping them to feel loved at all times. We are supposed to be nourishing their spirits, not just controlling their external behavior.
Our number one priority is not obedience for its own sake, or the opposite extreme, their happiness, but their regard for their Lord. Their obedience and their happiness must be means to that end. We do this by teaching and training them in God’s word. This is the Christian parents’ highest calling and privilege. Though we all wish good things for our children, we should care more for their love and loyalty to Christ above everything else.
Parents should care more for the loyalty of their children to Christ than for anything besides, more for this than for their health, their intellectual vigour and brilliance, their material prosperity, their social positions, their exemption from great sorrows and great misfortunes. (Dale, cited in "Ephesians" TNTC by Francis Foulkes, p. 173)
It’s true for us and it’s true for them, without Christ all of those things are meaningless.
What are some other ways that normal good decent parents exasperate their children? Do you have any advice or tips?
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Comments on "What Does "Don't Exasperate Your Children" Really Mean?":
2. jen
- 03/06/2009 9:00 am CST
This verse was my favorite to quote at my Dad when he would mess around with me - mostly after I became a teenager.
I still mention it on occasion. It's a long standing family joke at this point. Not that the verse is a joke, but that my Dad and I kid each other with it.
3. Lars Walker
- 03/06/2009 9:12 am CST
I read somewhere about an experiment done with dogs some years back. The dogs were placed in an electrified cage, in which certain areas could be made to give the dogs a shock. The dogs soon learned to avoid those areas. Then other areas were electrified, and the dogs learned to avoid these new areas too, while continuing to avoid the originally charged areas as well.
Then the scientists took the experiment to a new level. They started shocking the dogs at random. The dogs tried to find a way to avoid being shocked, but eventually learned that there was nothing they could do to be "right." At that point they gave up, lay down, and simply allowed themselves to be shocked.
As one who grew up in a home where discipline was based on a parent's mood rather than my actual behavior, I identify strongly with those dogs. And I'm a worse human being for it.
4. Shrode
- 03/06/2009 10:03 am CST
Lars,
Wow, wow and wow.
First, I'm so sorry.
Second, as a pastor who might encounter others with the same problem, I'm kind of curious how that affected you. (You could email me if you ever want to share, but no obligation.)
Third, thanks for the illustration. If I ever preach on this verse I think I'll use it.
Fourth, what happened to you is exactly the sort of thing I want to prevent with this article which was also published in our local paper. (But I doubt that those sorts of parents actually read those kinds of articles.)
And again, I'm so sorry.
5. Lars Walker
- 03/06/2009 10:45 am CST
It's not a secret; I've talked about it frequently over at Brandywine Books--I've been diagnosed with a shyness disorder called Avoidant Personality Disorder. Avoidants are people with a normal desire to have relationships with others, who nevertheless generally opt for social isolation, due to an exaggerated fear of rejection.
6. jen
- 03/06/2009 11:32 am CST
Ok, after Lars' comments, I feel like mine was so trivial and unhelpful.
7. GinH
- 03/06/2009 1:30 pm CST
As the wife of a youth minister, I find that this might be the most ignored verse in the Bible.
A large majority of kids' problems we encounter are parenting issues.
Like parents that don't parent. Or parents that over parent. Or parents that want to be friends. Or parents that are scared to be parents. Or parents like Lars' parents.
Very few normal parents. That verse is absolutely common sense and I find parenting to be extremely common sensical (if that's a word).
It's one of the few things I think I do pretty well. My kids would agree - well, except the one that's in trouble for grades right now :) He might be a little down on parenting at this juncture.
8. Shrode
- 03/06/2009 4:19 pm CST
jen,
I liked your comment. :)
And Lars, thanks for baring your soul.
I too have wounds, not from my parents, but from bullying. I guess in a way you were a victim of bullying as well, only in your case the bullys were your parents. I'm so sorry.
What's your relationship like with them now?
Is there a particular post over at brandywine that would be good for me to go look at to get an idea of what you went through and how it affected you?
9. Lars Walker
- 03/06/2009 4:27 pm CST
My parents are both gone now. I spent a lot of time with them in their later years, and we got along quite well, on the basis of an unspoken agreement never to mention the past.
I'll have to check on a post to recommend.
10. Lars Walker
- 03/08/2009 1:34 pm CDT
A search of our blog seems to indicate that I haven't told my war stories as much as I thought. Which is kind of a relief. But it leaves me without any link to give you.
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Great post. My 4 kids are all almost raised. By God's mercy, they're all serving Him, but I screwed up a lot. Some books I found very helpful were "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tripp and "Withhold Not Correction" by Ray. CJ Mahanney also has some excellent sermons on gospel-centered parenting.
This article was good as well:
http://www.irishcalvinist.com/?p=2489