Way cool, Bill. Amen.

(Glad to see you back!)

When wrote my paper - my church was in the middle of a "listen to the Holy Spirit" series and we were told that God would tell us where He wanted us to minister.

I feel very strongly that I am to minister to adult singles. The church thinks I'm wrong.

I've talked to people that have walked away because of the emphasis on bed-babies, young families, those wonderful junior-highers and high-schoolers, perhaps those in middle-age, empty nesters, etc.

In other words - focus on the family.

Wendy Widdier (in "A Match Made in Heaven) said, "Being a single in church is a little like being a dill pickle in a fruit salad."

Most people I know that are fellowshiping at Starbucks didn't leave the church because they wanted to isolate themselves. They left because they felt isolated by the church.

I knew when I was enumerating examples in my list I'd offend someone. I don't know why I didn't put singles. I almost did (I was going to write "single moms" but somehow never did)

Ellen, I can't tell you what to do. And I haven't read your paper to know what you have done (have you left your church?)

"They left because they felt isolated by the church."

And that's a very sad thing. The church needs to change. However, I would contend that the gathering at Starbucks is not a church. And that we should never give up on the body.

Again, sorry for the offense. I'm kicking myself for not writing something about singles. I knew I would strike a nerve in whoever I left out. Drat.

I'm not offended. I generally don't get offended unless it's something like:

"Married people engage in less risky behavior, [and] they're more responsible. They tax the healthcare system less for any physical or emotional problems, and when they do suffer from these problems, they recover more quickly and successfully. Pick out any imaginative 'well-being measure' that you can think of, you're going to fnd that, relative to marital status, married people do better" (Glenn Stanton, Focus on the Family)

or "Unfortunately, they appear to be rather selfish and narcissistic and don't recognize that family life benefits not only the individuals who are involved in that family, but also all of society. It's the foundation of a healthy society" (Wendy Wright, Concerned Women for America)

or one of the hosts of a Christian radio show, telling how excited he was when his sons proposed to their respective girlfriends, "Because now I knew that life was about to begin in earnest!" (Dennis Rainey of Family Life)

No, I haven't left my church. There is a very large church just down the road from mine - but one of the things I promised my kids is that I wouldn't make them change churches again. They're doing great where we are. Maybe someday things will change. In the meantime - I was told by a staff member (straight out) that it is an act of love to send singles somewhere else if they can be fed better. That sounds ok - until you think of what the purpose of a church is. We should be feeding them right where they are.

So I go somewhere else to fellowship with singles. It's the ones that do walk away that I'm worried about. About 50% of the singles I talked to that are in the paper are not in a church at this time.

Thanks Ellen for the wake-up call. Many American churches have joined the "Cult of the Perfect Christian Family" and shy away from singles ministry because it doesn't neatly fit into their paradigm of ministry. I would be interested in hearing what you feel the ingredients of a successful singles ministry are.

Wow - I guess everyone's church experience is different. I had personally grown tired of the over-emphasis on college age and singles at the church I used to go to. We had parents complaining that they never got any preaching on parenting and marriage. But it was like that for most of the churches in that city (Waco, TX) except for a few, so I just figured that families were ignored every where.

My wife and I have moved to a different city, and go to a sister church to thatne in Waco. We like it, but now there seems to be a large emphasis on ministering to the homeless members of our church. There are a lot of street people that come to our church. I guess every church needs to learn how to balance.

But I've also noticed that all the focus in my in-laws has now shifted to the first grandbaby, which my sister-in-law and hubby just had. He's really cute, but for some reason I never get upset because my biological family is now focused on a different demographic (families with kids) than the one I am in. I mean, nobody asked us about our jobs, friends, lives, anything in our new city. I know that if any church ignored me like that, I would be tempted to storm out and never return. But for some reason, I have more tolerance for my (non-Christian) family than my church family. I wonder why that is so.

De, AMEN! A church that is balanced in different age groups and segments, i.e., singles of all ages, marrieds of all ages, children of all ages, lost people of all levels of "seeking", saved people of all levels of spirtual maturity, tends to be a helathy church. The key is having a balance of ministry to all parts of the body. Glad your back.

Here's a link to the part that deals just with ministry options.

This is not just me saying "this is what I think we need" - it's a lot of different people from Barna to the CRC.

Wow - I guess everyone's church experience is different. I had personally grown tired of the over-emphasis on college age and singles at the church I used to go to.

I know - everybody's experience is different.

Until I became single, I didn't have a clue about singles. I was happy with the marriage encounters, "Power of the Praying Wife" "women's" Bible studies, etc.

In August, the Washington Times reported that "More Homes In the U.S. Go Solo". For the first time, single heads of households outnumber married heads of households in the United States.

The question I ask (a general question, not aimed at anybody in particulary) is: Does your congregation reflect that - or anything like that? If not, does your church have plans to change that? Do all segments of society feel valued by your church enough to the point that they are well represented (in roughly the same percentages that they are in society)?

My son is getting in at the ground level of a College Age Ministry - I'm so thrilled! The largest demongraphic that is leaving "the church" is single adults - starting at college age.

If people don't feel valued, they won't stay. That includes senior adults, ethnic groups, singles - you name it. And in any one group feels unvalued (because of their demongraphic) - there's a problem with that church.

I need to make it very clear - I'm largely happy with my church.

There are a lot of great things going on and I really don't have a big desire to leave. My research extends far beyond my own church and of all the people I talked to for this paper - only one of them was from my church - and she's only half time here (she attends a different church on Sunday morning - a "sister church" where her son-in-law preaches).

I spent a couple of years thinking it was just me - and found out that (on average) I'm happier with my church than most singles are with theirs. On the other hand, I have a very good friend who is looking for a church, but won't come to mine because there's nothing for singles.

"And in any one group feels unvalued (because of their demongraphic) - there's a problem with that church."

I'd modify this a bit.

The problem is people. No church, no matter how earnestly it tries, can perfectly make everyone at that church feel valued, or meet everyone's felt needs. Not even the first century church right after Pentecost (remember the dispute over certain segments of the church not being taken care of?) - Of course, as we all should, they adjusted.

Regarding your desire for the church to have the same demographic breakdown as the world. I agree and disagree. I agree in that I want people of all walks to feel welcome in our churches - and I completely agree with what's been said regarding the church's responsibility to minister to all, and not ignore certain segments of it's church demographic.

When I say I disagree, it's more "it makes me sad", because, unfortunately, we're already pretty much there when it comes to the divorce rate (for you divorced people who are already angry at me, I am not judging you. I know every circumstance is different. Please listen with charity).

It's a crying shame, it's a stench all the way up to heaven that the divorce rate in the American church is exactly the same as that in society as a whole. There's no excuse for it. It shouldn't be that way.

Until we fix that in the American church very few people are going to take us seriously.

"The largest demongraphic that is leaving "the church" is single adults - starting at college age."

This is another thing that kills me (college students leaving the church). I think it has to do with a lot of things: the transitory nature of college students (not staying in any one place very long), the freedom that comes from being out from under parental authority, the (I beleive, faulty) notion that they don't "have" to go to church, the disconnect between student ministry and the wider church ministry - meaning the failure of student ministries to help students appreciate the wider church, to prepare them for places of service with other age ranges, the fantasy of student ministry as "a church' - i.e., what I started this post about, namely the mistaken notion that church can be a limited age and demographic range. And I write this as someone who positively loves student ministry. But the fact that every time a kid graduates from our student ministry most of us are filled with trepedation about whether they'll make it in College (some statistics state that 9 out of 10 fall away).

Massively depressing. . .

The problem is people.

True - but the church is made up of people.

In a survey done by the CRC, it was found that:

American churches exhibit more sensitivity to the needs of families, the elderly, children, teenagers and the poor - and less to the needs of minorities, non-Christians and singles. The church's sensitivity to families gets the highest rating, while single adults and single parents get among the lowest. (Doug Kamstra, "A Single Focus)

Kamstra also says:

If the pastor appears indifferent to any one group, the rest of the church will most likely follow. "A 'do it, but don't bother me with it' attitude will put the singles ministry right next door to the broom closet."

No church, no matter how earnestly it tries, can perfectly make everyone at that church feel valued, or meet everyone's felt needs.

If only a few people feel that way, you're absolutely right. But when you look at statistics and see that there is a particular demographic (single adults) that is leaving the church in droves - don't you have to wonder why?

It's a crying shame, it's a stench all the way up to heaven that the divorce rate in the American church is exactly the same as that in society as a whole. There's no excuse for it. It shouldn't be that way.

I agree with that all the way - I also know plenty of divorced Christians that fought their divorce all the way.

Here's another question - once divorced, where do they go?

"my daddy told me..."
as story.

Two pastors were chatting over coffee. The first one proudly told the second one, "My church is so family oriented that there are no divorced people and very few single people in our congregation!"

The second pastor was sad for the first pastor, but just as proud of his own congregation, "Yes"I know. We have them all."

I know that there are few churches like the first one - but where do they go? Why?

Sorry to get so passionate about a particular group of people, but it's the one I researched most.

I'm bound to offend somebody.

sorry again - that last comment was meant in "so I'll stop"...

Ellen,

No need to stop. You're not offending me (I'm more concerned the offense is going the other way :-)

And I do know that your personal situation was very difficult.

One other angle - and this is just an "angle", mind you, because I just thought of it: If a church doesn't meet the needs of singles, they will, of course, often leave to (hopefully) go somewhere else or (worst case) quit attending.

But with families things become a bit more dicey - just because a family is attending a church doesn't mean the church is meeting the needs of all. It's very common for the "family" attending a church to just be Mom and the kids. The dad doesn't come.

Not that the church isn't attempting to meet his needs. The Dad in the example above is almost always either a non-believer or is just being a passive, non-leading Dad who is, imo, making a huge mistake.

It's also common that the church is meeting the needs of some demographic in the family, but not others. For instance, a church with a great student ministry can hold a whole family - the parents attend for the kid's sake. A single person has no such ties.

All that being said. Yes, you've got me wondering a lot more about the problem of singles leaving in droves. I admit I wasn't aware of that (and that's probably a lot of the problem - people like me who aren't aware of it). College ministry in particular is something I'm wondering about - our church, for instance, has a great student ministry but has had problems developing a really good (meaning attended and consistent) College ministry. And it hasn't been for lack of trying.

May all our churches do better in the area of ministering to singles.

Here's a website I have bookmarked - just for info.

http://www.nazarene.org/ssm/adult/single/articles/10things.html

Ellen,
Thank you!

I'm married and I see a need for improvement in my Church. My sister is single she doesn't attend the classes because they simply aren't set up to reach her. She works with the kids and loves it. I wish we had a better group for her. My husband didn't attend with me for several years, I led a class for women whoes husbands don't attend we felt like out casts because they moved us so many times to meet others needs. At times our door wasn't even unlocked. Meeting at Starbucks might have felt more welcome. Let's face it we have trouble meeting the needs of some.

"I led a class for women whoes husbands don't attend we felt like out casts because they moved us so many times to meet others needs. At times our door wasn't even unlocked. Meeting at Starbucks might have felt more welcome. Let's face it we have trouble meeting the needs of some."

I agree, Milly.

Sadly, the example of a wife coming to church and the husband staying home is very, very common. I'm sorry that your church made your group feel like outcasts - that stinks.

If men stepped up more a lot of these problems would go away.

You can't step up to a problem until you recognize that it exists. That's part of the problem.

I was one of those women whose husband didn't come to church - the only real friends I had there at that time were single women.

Until church leadership makes sure the congregation is in line with accepting all people, there will be outcasts.

I led a class for women whoes husbands don't attend we felt like out casts because they moved us so many times to meet others needs. At times our door wasn't even unlocked.

I've heard women whose husbands don't attend called "spiritual singles" and they have a lot in common with single women - as far a spiritual struggles (lacking a leader) goes.

I have only one thought about this...

Every person in church really needs the same thing - to be taught God's Word. One of the best churches I have ever been in, not to mention the largest, in had very few "programs" but taught Scripture, Scripture, and more Scripture. Classes were primarily divided by what book of the Bible you wanted to be studying. Here was the Romans class, there the OT survey. Here was the Scripture memory class, there the Spiritual gifts class. I really don't like age segregation for classes. That is how you end up with "Young married" classes and the like.

Yeah, Blestwithsons. My church only as 60 members, so we aren't big enough to all these problems. We have a Romans class and an Isaiah class - nothing based on marital status.

This still doesn't really answer the problem of losing people who feel like outcasts anyway. After my divorce, I felt pretty much like a leper. I had manageable feelings of guilt around the divorce. I had done everything I believed was right. That didn't change a thing. When I got into that building, around all those "normal" people (read couples), I just felt like crawling into a corner and hiding. Fortunately, the people in my little church didn't let that happen.

The body needs to give serious thought to the fact that we have more singles than 30 years ago. Divorce is a bad thing, and only going to get worse, but it is not just that. The Baby Boomers loved marriage, and lived for it. The GenXer's married young, but it didn't stick for them. The current generation is the least likely to marry. More young people are choosing to live single, or marrying late.

The church has been pulled toward the family since the 70's. It's time to pull back away from specializing again, and get back to being the church. (And I think that was really the thrust of Bill's original post.)

I'm happy to say that God led my husband and another leader's husband to the church. I was able to introduced him to a woman who had helped me with several projects. She and her husband have become our friends. My man now spends time working at the church. When asked how I did it, I reply "Not me God. Not in my time His." I will say that the class at times kept us togeather. I was always sure that God was on our side. We were always willing to put our teaching to the side to listen to the needs of the women who needed to talk. I'm sure that most churches need classes like this for men and women.

Some people will feel like outcasts no matter what you do.

I'm like that.

It almost feels good to have moved into a 'demographic' that no one is interested in reaching. Well, except for God.

Looks like I'll have to start a new class called the 'Sagging Grandmas'.

This post topic is fascinating.

Loud AMEN. Thanks for this post, Bill.

One of the coolest experiences I've ever had was the community group I was part of last spring--three kids under ten, a high school student, three college students, two middle-aged married couples, and a couple in their seventies. Each of us had different stories to tell, different life experiences, but we all had the same God. And that's a beautiful thing--it reminded me that the church isn't just made up of twentysomething know-it-all college students. ;)

Bill, you're right on. One of the things I loved about my church in college was that it didn't segregate the college students from everybody else (which was the more popular thing to do in Waco). Being around old people and babies is an important thing for any age, but especially such a self-absorbed age as youth.

Come to think of it, that kind of narcissism probably explains a lot of denominationalism too.

De!

Good for you! (I wish you could see my smile)

(By the way, the whole paper is up now - I had sent Kevin the first part and then changed ISP's and his address went "poof" - I hope he sees this

De/Bill - thank you.